Relationship Advice Q&A: How Do I Get Him Back?
Reader:
Dear Christian Carter,
I'm sorry but I need to ask you a question. I need advice and help. Me and my ex have been together off and on many times, recently we just broke up and now he's dating someone else. (he doesn't know what he wants) But I know he still has very big feelings for me and I want advice and help on getting him back. Even though he's dating someone right now, he still has feelings for me, and I need help on getting him back with me and not with her. Please help!
Christian Carter’s Answer:
Thanks for writing, your email has about 147 great things here. Let's look at a few of them...The first important issue is that you're ignoring all the important signs your ex is giving you. Men send a ton of silent “signals” that are out there waiting for women to tune into and pick up on - And to learn from. Some of these signals that men send are indirect and unintentional - but others men know they're sending out. Please don't be naive. Wake up! Realize what's going on here. If he's dating someone else, you've got to start moving on. That's a direct and intentional signal. He doesn't share your feelings of wanting to get back together in a committed relationship with you. If you challenge this idea, you need to recognize something important… That he's not in the right place in his life to share what you want with him.
What you really need for yourself is to find a healthy way to take some of the focus off of him and put it back on you and your life. This doesn't mean you have to go out and date right now, but you need to take your mind off him. I know it's hard to do this when you still have intense feelings for him. But the simple truth is that you're setting yourself up for ALL KINDS of pain and disappointment... Yeah, I've seen couples get back together like this - but the odds are things don't look good for this old relationship.
The more you can distance yourself from your ex who is dating another woman, the happier you'll be. Trust me. And I know doing this is tough (relationship advice isn’t always pretty), but you've got to do it if you're going to find your way to a new and improved situation - with or without him. Here's something else critical going on for you...
You're making a lot of assumptions about HIS feelings when you say “he has very strong feelings for me.” Do the math. You know he's dating someone else. By thinking about how you believe he FEELS inside is only keeping you stuck on him and your beliefs about the good person he can be and how great things COULD be together. Let me put it another way-
What are his actions and behaviors saying? If you listen to the signals your ex is sending you, you'll see that his “feelings” he shares are just his way of holding onto you for his own comfort and benefit. Why wouldn't he want to keep you around if he's “unavailable” to really commit - because being with the other woman and still being connected to you keeps him from being fully involved in any real situation with either of you.
He's already dating another woman. That should give you a clear idea of where his mind is at (not focused on getting back with you) and what his “feelings” TRULY are. Here's what I want you to do first and foremost...Think about making some decisions for YOURSELF. Right now it sounds like your waiting for him to make all the decisions. Think about what YOU WANT to be happy, and remember all the things your ex has done and said to let you know he's not committed to sharing his love with you. If you give him and yourself some space, a funny thing might happen you won't expect...Your ex-boyfriend won't have the comfort of two women who both want his affection. He won't know that you're still there waiting for him - and this will trigger thoughts and actions in him that will ultimately help resolve your situation.
Until then...For your own well-being, it's important you let him know he can't keep sharing his intimate feelings with you while he's dating another woman.
HERE'S A RULE YOU NEED TO REMEMEBER:Never allow men who have “someone else” in their life to keep sharing and expressing their feelings for you.
It's wrong on several levels... for you most o
