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YOU Be the Girl!
Don't Be His Friend!
Are You Obsessed?
Commitment Fear
Become Magnetic!
Emotional Affairs
How to Do Intimacy
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Here's a letter from "Mary," who's struggling with a
man who's just told her he feels like they're
"friends":
Rori, I need some major advice. I have been seeing
this guy for 4 months. We go out together, we go to
eat, we talk everyday all day while he at work, but,
now all the sudden he says he looks at as if I was,
just a friend and not someone to be in a
relationship with.
So what do I do after putting all this time and
effort into him? He knows that I'm in love with him.
Thank you, Mary
Dear Mary,
Mary, this is not over yet!
This is going to be the most intense learning
experience with a man you've ever had, because now
you have my Tools to practice with. Please look at
this as your opportunity to change your love life-
right here, right now.
I can hear your pain and frustration, and though I'm
so sorry you've found yourself in this situation, I
know from my own experience and the success of my
clients that if you try the Tools you'll feel
better.
First, Please promise yourself you will never again
become exclusive with ANY man until he fully commits
to you. That means you date other men up until he
proposes. You don't sleep with anyone else, but you
go on coffee dates, lunch dates, out for fun, etc.
This will keep you sane and feeling balanced. It
will keep your self-esteem up, because you will be
able to practice RECEIVING attention and affection
from other men.
You'll be able to Feel Good just by noticing men
everywhere being interested in you. The moment you
shut the "Flirty" part of you down (let's call that
part "Flirty Girl"), your man can feel it. And when
he feels that you've shut down that part of you that
attracts other men to you, you shift the Energy
Exchange between you in a way that pretty much
PUSHES HIM AWAY. I know that sounds weird.
You'd think he'd be HAPPY that you're now all
content with him and focused on him. You'd think
he'd feel relaxed now, and able to trust you. But
that's just not how it works. Trust comes from a
deeper place that has to do with YOUR VULNERABILITY.
It has absolutely nothing to do with you shutting
your sexy, flirty self down out in the world.
So, this is good news!
If you've been thinking that he'll trust you more if
you shut yourself down out there, you've been making
a mistake that you can quickly change - and truly
help yourself!
What actually happens is this: The moment he becomes
your "one and only," without his asking you (and
remember - this is important - he has to ask you NOT
in a "boyfriend" sort of way, but in a "wedding
ring" way), he feels pressured.
And as he feels pressured, all your insecurities and
old patterns start to fight against your common
sense. He almost instantly starts to move backward,
away from you. And that kicks in your inner nasty
voices and feelings of need and desperation, and so
you automatically (if you're anything like I was and
like most of us women are instinctively), you feel
compelled to move toward him.
That looks like Leaning Forward when you're talking
to him, paying way too much attention to how he
feels and what he's doing, and trying to manage to
see him and talk to him as much as possible. And he
can FEEL all this. And it just sends him away.
It sends him to the Land of "Just Friends."
So what you do now is Backtrack. There are so many
things to stop doing and to begin doing that will
shift the Energy Exchange back to where it needs to
be to reconnect with a man once he's made the
"friends" speech. You'll find it all in my book and
Toolkit - but for now, start with bringing back
"Flirty Girl" and opening yourself to all the
wonderful men there are out there.
Even if you don't feel ready to actually go out with
them, just thinking about it, and taking baby steps
toward allowing them to talk with you and connect
with you, will help you tremendously. Your man will
notice the difference in you.
This is the absolutely first step in what I call
BRIDGING - which is my word for a new way of
"dating." Bridging is how you cross the Bridge from
an Imaginary Relationship to a Real Relationship.
And the first and easiest way to Bridge is to keep
all your options open all the time. That means
continuing to allow other men to talk with you, get
your phone number and email address, and SPEND FUN
TIME with you.
The reason for keeping your options open and
"dating" other men is NOT to protect yourself, or
make him jealous, or to find another man. The reason
for "dating" other men is for YOU. So you can
practice my Tools as much as possible, on real men.
So you can learn to have fun, start using Feeling
Messages, practice my Sensual Meditation in PUBLIC,
and feel more comfortable in your own skin in the
presence of men.
This practicing with other men will raise your
self-esteem and help you so much with the man you're
now focused on. And most important - dating other
men will take your focus OFF of this man and put it
where it belongs - on yourself! The only way to see
if this man can switch from friendship to romance is
to emotionally walk away.
Tell him he's right about the "friends" thing. Agree
with him. Step away completely. That means no
talking, no lunch, no dinner because you have to
DATE OTHER MEN and you don't have so much time in
your life for a male friend. This is absolutely
true. Please get my book if you can, it will make
all the difference in the world for you.
My guess is you'll hear from him quickly, He'll be
chasing you down. He'll be upset that you're cutting
him off. Just be calm and say that you re looking
for romance and a real relationship, and being
friends with him is making it hard for you to move
on, and you'll contact him and be able to be friends
later, when you're with a man who wants the kind of
relationship you do.
Do it with a smile, very casually, no crying, no
begging and see what happens. After you've practiced
with other men, using my Feeling Messages and the
Leanback and Focusing on Yourself and Loving
Yourself Tools, you'll be ready to talk with him and
see him.
I wish you luck! Love, Rori
***Here's a letter from "Vanessa," who's frustrated
with a man who says he's "not ready for a
relationship":
Dear Rori,
I met the guy I am interested in about 4 1/2 months
ago, and it has been extremely frustrating. I
learned that he got a divorce about a year ago and
two years ago he lost his older brother to drugs. He
has qualities that I like, but emotionally he is not
ready for a new relationship.
I just got out of a 9-year relationship myself and
perhaps he is afraid I will go back to my
ex-boyfriend. I feel he likes me, but it is hard to
tell; and because I don't know what he is thinking
most of the time I don't know how to act when I am
around him.
I have been following your advice, I have been
taking care of myself. I don't schedule my
activities around him, I am trying to get to know
myself again, I keep busy everyday: I workout, read,
spend time with my friends, meditate; and when I
least expect it he is calling me.
We have not seen each other for about 4 weeks. I
don't want him to forget about me, but at the same
time I refuse to keep calling him. He has told me
that he likes me and I can call him anytime, but is
not ready for a relationship. His ex-wife cheated on
him, so has trust issues toward women. He has told
me that he feels I am different and has shared
personal information with me that no one else knows.
How do I keep him interested in me without me having
to do all the work? Will he forget about me if I
stop calling or seeing him? I was going to keep in
touch with him, because I know what he has gone
through and want him to know that I care about him.
Do you think is a good idea for me to call him every
once in a while? Oh and more thing, I told him that
I like him and care about him, and that I don't
expect anything from him since I know where he
stands emotionally, but I think I freaked him out.
I immediately reacted and told him, that I felt I
was rushing and that I needed to take things slowly
as well. So, how can I keep him interested in me
without me having to contact him, see him, call him?
Help!!!! I really like this man.
Respectfully, "Vanessa"
***Doesn't your heart fall just reading "Vanessa's”
letter?
You and I - and possibly Vanessa, too, know that
this is an Imaginary Relationship. As much as
Vanessa likes him, and as much as it seems he likes
her, nothing is happening. And we know that it's the
man's job to make things happen.
If we take his job away from him, step on his toes
by calling and finding ways to see him - we cut off
all his feelings for us. So I want to start by
applauding Vanessa for doing so many things right:
For taking care of herself and focusing on her own
life (and you can see how well it works just by how
he's calling her unexpectedly), and by NOT calling
him.
I know how difficult it can be just to do and not do
those things. If you'd like to know more about how
to focus on your own life and express yourself in a
way that a man can not only hear - but that will
pull him in like a magnet, go here. Let's get now to
some of the mistakes Vanessa is making - mistakes I
made many times and perhaps you're making them right
now, too.
Can you hear where Vanessa talks about HIS PAIN?
Losing a sibling is a tragedy, and it's not that I
want Vanessa to minimize the experience and grief
her man must be feeling, even after 2 years. And his
divorce may have been painful if it was due to his
wife's cheating. And still, none of this has
anything to do with his relationship with Vanessa.
This is all "Making Excuses" for this man and why he
isn't pursuing her the way he should. Do you see
where she mentions that he's "shared personal
information with her that no one else knows"? And
his "trust issues"? This is one of the most common
mistakes most of us women have made at least once.
We think that being a man's "friend" through the
hard times will cement the relationship and turn it
to passion and love in the future. But that's not
how it works. How many women do you know who put
their husbands through college, only to get dumped
the moment the men became successful? I know
several. "Friendship Only" is for friends.
If "Friendship With Romantic Love" is what you want,
don't get caught up in believing the way to "Love"
is by being his friend. Friends don't kiss, friends
don't have sex, friends don't "date," friends don't
feel that "tingle in your heart" and friends don't
see only each other.
Things happen in life, and sometimes friendship
leads to love - but if you're counting on that,
he'll feel it and you'll be disappointed. Picture
this: If WE feel only like friends to a man like
Vanessa's, and that's all we give to him, and at the
same time we go about dating and romancing other men
even while we're being friendly and supportive to
this one man - THAT could create a sense of
attraction and longing for us in him.
But the moment we turn toward him with love in our
eyes and HE is the one talking about just "being
friends," then being supportive and friendly to this
man will not work! Here's the truth in Vanessa's
case: A man who had a wife who cheated on him is
ATTRACTED to women who cheat! I know this sounds
awful, but it's true. He may not like the fact that
he's attracted to women who he can't completely
trust, and it might make him angry and heartbroken,
but if you act like a true-blue, long-suffering GOOD
WOMAN with a man like that, you'll lose him to a
woman who LOOKS like she could cheat!
Frustrating, isn't it?
So, if being a Good Woman, a supportive friend, a
good listener, and hearing about HIS problems (like
Vanessa is doing) doesn't work - and in fact PUSHES
HIM AWAY - what are you to do? Well, here are two
ways to deal with this kind of situation:
1. You could see that this man is not a good bet for
a healthy relationship, because you'd constantly
have to be creating distance between you, for
perhaps a long time, before he'd start missing you
enough to feel seriously interested - and then, what
about the rest of your lives together?
What if he's a man who always needs to be kept
off-balance by a woman in order to love her? You
might decide, based on this, that you're better off
without him, move on and start dating up a storm.
Or,
2. You could take the exact same attitude as in
Option #1, yet still date him along with many other
men. You could stand back, observe him, and let him
prove to you he's worth your time. You would stop
doing anything that looked like "friendship."
This would be things like meeting him, "hanging out"
with him, paying for yourself, listening to his sad
stories and holding his hand, giving him advice...so
many other things you would do for or with your
girlfriends that have no place in a love
relationship. Vanessa's started doing this by
focusing more on herself and refusing to reach out
to him by calling.
You can take it even further. The next step would be
to completely reverse the energy between you and
him. This would mean not only NOT CALLING him, but
NOT THINKING about him, too! (More on how to do this
in other eLetters and the Toolkit.)
This is where my FEELING MESSAGE Tools like "The
Goodnight Talk" will make a difference. Instead of
only listening to him - YOU share YOUR feelings!
It's very easy to be the Good Woman. To care about
someone and recognize their pain. It's easy because
it keeps us from having to be VULNERABLE ourselves.
And what Vanessa needs to do - RIGHT NOW - is to be
Vulnerable around him.
But not in BIG ways - not in telling him how she
feels about HIM or the relationship - but how she
feels about her OWN life. This means sharing her fun
and happy and passion-filled times doing what she
loves - this is the TELLING STORIES Tool. This means
sharing how she's feeling in the present moment
while they're talking on the phone - again - not
about HIM, but about HERSELF.
Most men will be repelled by a woman sharing her
pain about HIM, but will be filled with a desire to
join in when we share about LITTLE things - how
stopping at a flower shop and being all by yourself
in the middle of greenery and roses felt, or how sad
the rain made you feel, or how moved you were by a
movie you just saw, or a little kid doing something
silly or outrageous, or even maddening at the
market. Sharing how you feel takes the spotlight off
of the man. And that's what a REAL man wants.
Real men do not like the spotlight in a
relationship. “Little Boy" men do. "Little Boys"
like their feelings considered first and always.
They want to know what YOU can do for THEM, and have
no interest in doing for you any more than they have
to to keep you around.
Often, a man's "Little Boy" "issues" disappear when
we start expressing our real selves. When we become
even MORE vulnerable around him. If you're with a
man, like Vanessa's, who talks about his own
feelings a lot and always seems to want you to come
to him, you can turn the Energy Exchange around by
saying how YOU FEEL even more! You can stop coddling
his feelings by asking him what he thinks, instead.
A real man doesn't want to be coddled. A real man
wants to be a Prince or a King to your Princess. He
doesn't want to be the frog you have to kiss to life
- he wants to put the crown on YOUR head! So next
time you're tempted to get "sucked in" by all a
man's stories around why he "can't commit" or "be in
a relationship," don't believe him.
He may or may not be lying on purpose, but he's for
sure lying to himself. Vanessa must go all the way
for herself - dating other men and truly focusing on
herself and what feels good to her. And you can walk
the Rori Raye Bridge to the relationship you want by
NOT allowing ANY man to pull you off course. You can
do this!
All it takes is to realize that you have choices and
options, and that men everywhere want you. Even if
you've never believed it before, believe and act
like you are very expensive, highly prized, and
possessed of inner strength and outer softness. A
good, real man will recognize that right off and
fight for you. It's true!
Let him.
Love, Rori
If you've already downloaded my Have The
Relationship You Want e-book, work through it. If
you'd like to get it now,
Click Here.
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