Coach Rori Raye

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YOU Be the Girl!
Don't Be His Friend!
Are You Obsessed?
Commitment Fear
Become Magnetic!
Emotional Affairs
How to Do Intimacy

Where he expects YOU to come to HIM, whether it's to meet him somewhere, drive to his house, or just come on over to the couch where he's sitting? Where he just lets YOU make all the plans and arrangements - and even do the DRIVING and PAYING?

Where there aren't any phone calls unless you do the calling? And there wouldn't be any affection unless you do the initiating? And he doesn't seem to be very good at the ACTION part? If this has ever happened to you, or is happening now, then your man is enjoying being "The Girl" in your relationship.

And you're absolutely not alone.

When my marriage was falling apart, it was as though I was being torn apart. One part of me wanted love and affection from my man, one part of me was so angry it wanted nothing to do with him. When I talked to him, one part of me was almost pleading for love and whining to him about not having it, and the other part was quietly making him wrong for not GIVING it to me.

The part of me that wanted to RECEIVE love was my "girl" part. She had feelings of longing and emptiness and sadness and hope, too. The part of me that propelled me towards my man trying to get him to GIVE to me (even to ask him to take out the garbage or spend time with me) was my "boy" part. One part of me wanted to pull him closer, and one part of me was pushing him away. And I wasn't doing it on purpose.

I felt absolutely DESPERATE.

I felt trapped, anxious, angry. And all those feelings completely terrified me. I felt like throwing up most of the time. Every time I looked at my small daughter and wondered what I was going to do, I panicked. I felt paralyzed, and just went back to doing the only thing I knew to do - I stayed with my "boy" part, because it was the ONLY WAY TO GET THINGS DONE.

It was the only way I could keep moving. When I finally figured out that trying to keep things going was the exact OPPOSITE of what I needed to do, everything changed. It was the most dramatic turnaround imaginable, and you can do it too. We all need both our inner boys and girls to live a full life - full of boy action and thinking, and full of girl being and feeling - but most of us are tipping in the direction that doesn't work for us in relationships - and that's "boy" energy.

In Rori Raye terms, "girl" energy Leans Back, and "boy" energy Leans Forward. The more I Leaned Forward and tried to get my man to come closer, the further I pushed him away. Because in a relationship with a man - if one of you is Leaning Forward, the other is AUTOMATICALLY Leaning Back. That's just the way the Energy Exchange works.

In other words, at any given moment, there can be only ONE BOY and ONE GIRL in the relationship. And if he's very happy being "The Girl," there's no girl room left for you! If this has ever happened to you, you know how easy it is to then get caught up in being "The Boy."

If he doesn't do the job, we do. In the worst moments of my marriage, even though, on some level I could see I was doing things because HE WASN'T - still, I couldn't help myself. I couldn't let down because - if HE didn't take out the garbage, or start sex, or make a plan to go out for dinner, then I HAD TO!

In other words, if he let down on his "boy" side and spent time instead playing guitar or hanging out on the couch in front of the basketball game - well - SOMEBODY had to take care of things and keep things going - so I DID!

Has it ever gone like this for you? Where your man is NOT doing the "manly" things you think he should, so to keep things going - YOU step up and do them? And this is how we ALL get stuck in our "boy" energy and forget how to be girls. This is almost like an epidemic right now. The most common complaint I hear from my clients about men right now is that they don't "act like men."

That they call and leave vague messages saying just "Hi," and never really asking for a date. That they like to talk only by email and never seem to move things along. And I'm here to tell you that this is nothing new about men. In times past - even in the 50's, it seems from movies and TV that men were more "manly.'

They supposedly took care of things like earning a living and taking charge of what went on in the household and just sort of seemed more "masculine." But the truth is, WITHIN a RELATIONSHIP, people struggled just as much with the idea of "who's in charge" as we do.

That's where the whole concept of "henpecked" came from. Where a man might LOOK like he was "acting like a man" but actually, his wife "wore the pants in the family." If you're finding yourself wearing the pants in the family, or in the relationship, or on the date - then it will help you so much to know that you're firmly and totally in your "boy" part in exactly the one place in your life - love and romance - where it doesn't work!.

It's great to be in your "boy" part out in the world, taking care of yourself, doing important things, keeping schedules and organizing your work and your life - but it just doesn't work in relationships. Everyone of us has different temperaments, and everyone of us likes to express ourselves in different ways. Some of us are very outgoing, and some of us are more shy.

Men are no different from women in many ways. But men are SIGNIFICANTLY DIFFERENT in the one way that is most important to us - and that's ROMANCE. No matter how shy or arty or sensitive a man is, if he doesn't feel like he's "wearing the pants" in even just a CONVERSATION with us, he'll LOSE INTEREST in us.

In other words, in order to feel turned onto us EMOTIONALLY (sexually is completely different - we'll go into that in another eLetter) he has to feel CONFIDENT. He has to feel like "a man." And for a man, that means being in his "boy" part.

But what if he doesn't know how? Or what if he doesn't feel like it? What if he just feels like sitting around and waiting to see what WE'LL DO? What if he's taking up all the "girl" space in your relationship, and almost FORCES you to "act like 'The Boy'? What if he's taking all that relaxing, laid back, sensuous, "Being" space and leaving YOU NO ROOM at all to be anything BUT The Boy?

Ah ha! Here's where we get to turn all this around by OUTGIRLING HIM! If you'd like to know more about this "Masculine/Feminine" "Girl/Boy" idea, it's all in my eBook, Have The Relationship You Want. (If you don't already have it, you can download it here for FREE for 7 days before you decide to keep it)

First let's talk about what's happening here. When a man starts off a relationship by acting like a "girl" and letting YOU do all the planning and arranging, you'd think that would be a Red Flag to us women, but most of the time it isn't. Because these kinds of men are often sexy, charming, handsome and very, very sweet.

They tend to be thoughtful, and sensitive, and good listeners, and "spiritual." We get caught up in this so easily and quickly, that we soon start acting like the "boy" by taking charge. If you're anything like I was, you like "sensitive" men. Not all sensitive men like to be the "girls" in a relationship, but so many of us women make it SO EASY for them to fall into that lovely, catered-to place of "girl" that it might seem as if being "sensitive" and "being a girl" are the same thing.

According to Rori Raye, It's not. A sensitive man can also be very much a boy in a relationship - and just like all men - he PREFERS it that way. But he might, also like most men, just be USED to starting out in a relationship like "The Girl." And, if he's very attractive and very sweet, then, for us, taking charge of "boy" things in the relationship seems like a small price to pay for all his "sensitivity."

Sometimes we even end up paying for ourselves very early in the dating, and sometimes we get stuck doing the driving. We make peace with that by saying the other men out there who seem "stronger" are also "jerks" and insensitive. We make a trade.

And that's a big mistake. The mistake is not necessarily choosing that particular man. The mistake is "buying into" the whole "boy" thing. The mistake is that once you START going along with being the "boy" some of the time, you always end up creating a pattern where you are expected to be "The Boy" ALL THE TIME. And once you accept that role - the

RELATIONSHIP IS DESTROYED.

I know that sounds harsh, but it's true. Though I talk with many women who've said, "It seems like he really LIKES it when I do that" (make plans, do the calling, keep the conversation going, buy the tickets, pick the restaurant), I've not talked with a single woman who can tell me this has worked for her with a man for the LONG HAUL - not just for the short term.

***So, why do you destroy a relationship when you take on the "boy" role? There are many reasons that have to do with the way that it makes you FEEL in the relationship. How you'll start to resent him, and then anger will happen, and then tension will happen, and from there it's downhill.

But the main, basic reason is this - even if a man likes being the "girl" some, or maybe even ALL of the time - HE'S STILL A MAN! He STILL doesn't like being led around, told what to do, or made wrong when he doesn't do things correctly. He may enjoy being the girl in the short term - but for the long haul - which is what we're going for here - he hates it.

And he'll resent you for trying to be the "boy," and he'll withdraw and leave you in confusion. And all this from what seemed like such a promising beginning!

YOU CAN NEVER LOSE BY LEARNING HOW TO BE A "GIRL."

You can't lose in love, and you can't lose in business either. My clients who run businesses tell me every day that it's true - knowing how to be a girl in ALL your interactions with people are the exact skills that work out there in the world. This means your friends, your family, your boss, your associates and your employees.

Now let's get back to WHAT TO DO if your man has claimed all the "girl" space in your relationship by letting you do things HE should be doing - so there's no girl space left for YOU. What you must do, if he's taking up that "girl" space, is OUTGIRL HIM.

And that means you'll be going through a unique and amazing relationship transformation that most women have never even heard about. Here are beginning steps (you'll find more and more help for doing this in my e-Book and Toolkit) - please let me know how they work for you.

And I know you can do this!

HOW TO OUTGIRL HIM - by Rori Raye

Step 1 - Start becoming aware of what's going on. Notice where he's standing or sitting, and how his body posture looks. If he's laying back (remember the LeanBack) and looking like he's about to do NOTHING, notice it.

And REALLY NOTICE how that makes you FEEL.

If he's just sitting there, notice if you feel compelled to go over there and put your arms around him. Or perhaps you feel the need to ask him to do something or to start a "relationship talk." If you want him to hold you and kiss you, notice how you instinctively want to go to him and ask for it, or get it started somehow.

Step 2 - Stop Yourself!

Yes, use the Rori Raye STOP Tool. This is just the first frustrating, challenging step, so let's get really brave and experimental, here. Hold on to yourself and STOP right where you are.

Now, just by doing NOTHING, you're being a "girl." And now, yes, there are 2 "girls" in the room. There's him on the couch waiting for YOU to make a move, and there's you just standing there waiting for HIM to make a move.

Here's where you Outgirl Him. You simply outlast him.

That's right. He sits there, you stand there. Or you go into the kitchen, or get a book or magazine and sit at the dining table and read, or you do your nails or try on clothes, or anything that seems fun and can calm you down.

Step 3 - He'll make a move.

Now, I can't promise you it will be the exact move you want, but it will be a step in the right direction. He might ask you what you're doing and why you aren't sitting with him. He might comment on the TV show he's watching or on what he's doing.

Step 4 - Leanback, Open Your Heart, and Speak In Feeling Messages

You'll say something like - "Oh, I feel hooked on this magazine article - it feels so great to read about how DNA works, or how to cook Tuscan style, or I feel hooked on this book - the character feels so much like me...

Step 5 - He'll Respond

He may go "Oh" and leave you right where you are. Or, he may get up and come on over to you. If he does, if he moves at all, then -

Step 6 - Lean back even more. Smile at him. Unzip Your Heart even more. This is Your Turn to Respond.

If he touches you, on purpose or by accident, MELT (practice with the Toolkit). Speak in feeling messages about your pleasure - "Oh, that feels good..."

Step 7 - Stay Tuned In To Your FEELINGS, repeat all the other steps over and over until they start to come naturally to you.

Step 8 - Be Amazed

What will happen is that as you step down from the "boy" plate in your relationship by "going to girl" even in the smallest conversations, you'll be stunned as even your "girl" man starts to step up to the plate!

Let me know how Outgirling Him works for you.

Love, Rori

If you've already downloaded my Have The Relationship You Want e-book, work through it. If you'd like to get it now, Click Here.