Christian Carter

Interviews With Dating and Relationship Experts




Dr. Alex
Evan Marc Katz
Marie Forleo
Rori Raye
Carlos Xuma
Karinna Kittles-Karston




















Christian Carter Interviews Carlos Xuma

“The 4-Step Formula For Creating An Unbreakable Connection With Your Man & The Secret To What It REALLY Takes For A Man To Commit”

This month I had the pleasure of interviewing a special friend of mine who is a dating and relationship advice “guru”. His name is Carlos Xuma. Although he’s helped hundreds of women find and connect to the man of their dreams through his website, seminars and newsletter, he originally started out helping men with dating advice. This has given him a fascinating perspective on what goes on for MEN when it comes to problems with dating or in the early stages of relationships, and what they see as “problems” both early on the dating process and later when things get more serious…

Carlos’ background is in motivation and psychology theory, so his specialty is motivating people, not just teaching skills or giving people steps to perform. He tries to get at the core of WHY someone will keep doing the things they need to do to change their life, instead of just listening to something and forgetting about it a day later.

Carlos says there’s a lot of information out there when it comes to dating and relationships, so helping people achieve real success is not just a matter of giving out even MORE information. It’s about developing the right MOTIVATION to want to have a different perspective and change from self-defeating to more self-empowering behavior.

When he was younger, Carlos didn’t have a lot of dating success himself. It made him so distraught that he decided to go on his own “quest” to find out what works in attraction and relationships… and what doesn’t. He quickly realized that to be successful in dating it takes MORE than just trial-and-error and using your “intuition.”

He discovered it takes finding a COMMON GROUND of understanding between a man and a woman since they both experience things from such a different perspective. Unless you can “get” why a man does or says things, you will never be able to connect in any meaningful or deep way.

In this interview Carlos shares his insights into how you can find that common ground with ANY man, improve the way you communicate, push all the right “buttons” and have him begging you for a commitment.

Here are just some of the highlights… enjoy!

You Get Emotional and He Gets Angry.


How many times has this happened to you? Your man says or does something that hurts your feelings or frustrates you. Maybe it’s something he would consider “no big deal” like forgetting to call you when he said he would or showing up pretty late for an important date.

Now you’re thinking of all the OTHER times he’s done this, but you haven’t said anything about it. The feelings of disappointment boil up to the surface and you try to tell him how you feel and why you’re not happy, and maybe you get a little more emotional than you thought you were going to.

But instead of listening to you and acknowledging how you feel, he quickly goes from silent, to defensive, to outright angry.

It makes you feel like you should have just kept quiet about the whole thing. You certainly don’t feel BETTER. You feel WORSE for having said anything!

Why does this happen so often between men and women?

First, Carlos says, women generally have a much richer EMOTIONAL PALETTE than men. This is frustrating to men because they just don’t understand what that is like.

When a woman comes to a man with an emotional experience, the man sees it as BLAME or somehow as a negative judgment of him. He doesn’t understand the woman’s emotions and certainly has a hard time acknowledging them.

He just want to fix it.

But he can’t fix it. There is no short-cut to “fixing” the way a woman will feel unless the actual emotions are acknowledged.

A man’s goal when he hears a woman being emotional is “I need to get her over the way she feels.”

A woman doesn’t want a man to get her over it. She wants him to GO ALONG with how she feels and NOT necessarily grab the reigns.

When a man can’t seem to “fix” or understand something, he gets frustrated. In men, frustration can quickly turn to anger.

In my view, this also shows the differences between what a woman says to a man and what a man PERCEIVES. A man will either feel CRITICIZED or blamed in some way when confronted with a strong emotional reaction from a woman. Because men want to feel competent and respected for their abilities and efforts, any emotional attack makes him feel like he can’t make you happy, and he’s a failure.

Carlos teaches men how to respond in a way OTHER than with anger or frustration when a woman is being emotional. He teaches women to understand that a man will have a hard time “relating” to her emotions and not to expect that he’ll automatically do what she thinks he “should” in that moment.

This is the road to better understanding and connection. Recognizing what we do versus what other people perceive is so ripe with the power to change our lives.

Why It’s So Hard For A Woman To SPEAK HER MIND With A Man (but why she needs to…)

If a man needs to feel admired and respected in order to feel good about his relationship with a woman, what does a woman need in order to feel happy with a man?

Carlos says that women need to feel CHERISHED and CONNECTED. Connection is so essential for her relationships and for her overall feeling of happiness that she will do whatever it takes to keep that connection strong.

When it comes to a love relationship, a woman will often not want to “risk” the connection she feels by telling a man exactly what she wants and needs… because she imagines it could damage that connection.

How does this fear play out?

Let’s say a man is making plans for some weekend activity with the guys but has forgotten about a special date he had planned with his girlfriend. Maybe it’s something they talked about weeks ago, and now it’s slipped his mind.

He’ll tell his girlfriend that he’s going to hang out with his friends on Saturday, but instead of reminding him of their special plans, she says nothing because she doesn’t want to seem “clingy” or “needy” and doesn’t want to risk the connection they feel. So she says nothing… in the moment. Instead, she stews and seethes the entire weekend about how UNCARING her jerk of a boyfriend is! (When in reality he just forgot.)

Later, maybe even AFTER the man has returned from his outing with his friends, the woman explodes in emotion because she can’t keep it inside anymore.

Uh boy…

Inevitably, the ideas that men are “impossible to talk to” or “get angry when I tell him how I feel” get VALIDATED in these moments. It creates a vicious cycle of hurt, silence, anger, hurt, silence, and so on. This is exactly why, Carlos says, men wish women would just SPEAK UP ahead of time, or right when things are feeling “off”… not hours or days or weeks later.

In other words, “Why didn’t you say so in the FIRST PLACE?”

This is why Carlos advocates for couples to establish a sense of SAFETY in relationships, so that both people feel like they can express themselves without alienating the other person. This is the same concept as my “Anything Is OK” idea for communicating with a man in order to get him to be MORE HONEST with you. It’s not that anything he DOES is OK, it’s that it’s OK for him to tell you anything because he doesn’t have to worry that you’ll reprimand, judge or belittle him.

Or get too emotional…Of course, you’ll have to decide in your own way whether what he tells you is something you’ll accept for yourself in the relationship or not, and tell him so, but it’s the ATTITUDE and approach you take initially that allows him to be honest with you.

The 4-Step Formula For More Warmth And Connection In Any Conversation

Carlos has a formula to help women have more honest and emotionally engaged interactions or conversations in any situation with a man—whether on a first date or in a long-term relationship. Or with anyone, for that matter.

This formula literally REDIRECTS the conversation from going into a dead-end of misunderstanding and anger and into DEEPER UNDERSTANDING and a more loving connection.

Let’s start with an example of a woman being on a first date with a man. He starts to tell her that he had cheated on his last girlfriend, which puts her on “alert.” Maybe she’s had a bad experience with that kind of thing in the past.

Does she assume she’s right, lash out at the guy and end the date on a silent note, vowing to herself that she’ll never talk to him again?

Carlos would say that this was a perfect opportunity to try his 4-Step Formula. Which is:

1. Hear the person out. When you are put on edge because someone says something that pushes a “button”, this immediately makes it more difficult for you to see the other person’s point of view. Instead of hearing what they’re saying, you’re in defense of yourself and your ego. The connection is gone.

Sure, you’re feeling a lot of emotions in the moment, and it’s ok to put those “on hold” until you’ve really LISTENED to everything the man has to say. And this isn’t just the half-baked kind of listening where you’re mulling over how you’re going to respond the next nanosecond there’s an opening.

No, I’m not talking about that kind of “bad listening”.

I’m talking about the kind of listening where you fully engage with what the other person is saying and you experience what they are thinking and feeling on the same level as if they were saying something that appealed to you.

2. Let the emotions you’re feeling pass a little bit. Ok, so you’re still a little ruffled by what the guy said. It brings up ALL KINDS of stuff in your mind. But challenge yourself to just “sit” with your feelings for much longer than you would usually before you ACT on how you’re feeling.

This may be anywhere from a few hours to a few days. In that time, something might change and you may find that the original concern RESOLVED ITSELF without you intervening or making too much more out of it.

In the example I mentioned, perhaps you find out later in the conversation that you had misunderstood the timeline of the guy’s story, and in fact he HADN’T cheated on his last girlfriend.

Aren’t you glad you didn’t storm off and leave him wondering?

3. Ask yourself—what need is that other person trying to fill with that comment, that belief, etc?

Or as I say, “Seek first to understand before being understood.”

Unfortunately when we’re in the heat of an argument the LAST thing we want to do is give that person more understanding. However, the simplest tool for getting more of what you want is to GIVE more understanding.

Also, asking yourself this question takes the focus away from your own immediate emotional reaction and allows you a few minutes to see the other person’s point of view.

And in the case of the first date, perhaps you would step back and ask yourself why this guy would tell you about cheating on his girlfriend. Maybe he feels badly about it and wants to be open and up-front with you? Maybe to see what your reaction is?

You don’t need to target the “perfect” answer, the point here is to simply ASK YOURSELF… and in the process, step away from your own emotions and simply consider what the other person is feeling and experiencing.

Three Things To Avoid On The First Date

A lot of the mistakes Carlos sees women making on the first date have to do with simple feelings of nervousness about the situation.

Being nervous is normal. Tell yourself to relax and control some of the unattractive behavior that results from this kind of anxiety, and you can go a long way to making a GREAT FIRST IMPRESSION.

Here are two things to avoid:

1. AVOID talking too much or asking too many questions. A man wants to feel like he’s on a date, not a job interview. It’s ok to keep the conversation flowing by asking a question here and there, but be sure to balance it out by letting him ask some questions about you, too.

2. AVOID acting nervous. Picture a woman out on a date who can’t stop squirming, chewing on her nails, twirling her hair, throwing her hair back over her shoulders, and giggling self- consciously. It’s kind of funny, until you realize that might be YOU. Take a deep breath and try to keep your hands still and relaxed.

3. AVOID “heavy” conversation. Sometimes we jump to wanting to make a connection and not understand that a first date is just an exploratory experience. You don’t need to tell the guy everything about your life or why you broke up with the last guy you were with or why your life is in shambles. Keep it light. If you make the right impression, there will be plenty of time for that sort of conversation later in the relationship.

The Secret to Getting a Man to Commit

When Carlos does seminars on the topic of men and commitment, he asks the women in the audience:

“What kind of woman will a man find more attractive? A woman who is fulfilling her life or a woman who is searching for a man?”

Women will admit they know the right answer, but they also know the REALITY of what they tend to do.

Getting a commitment from a man builds on a foundation where the man senses a woman KNOWS HER VALUE, that she has enough mself-respect and esteem to move on to the next thing if she didn’t get what she needed and wanted from the relationship.

The secret to commitment is to be the kind of woman that a man doesn’t want to lose. This means to be the kind of woman who has her own certainty and self-respect to know what she will and will not tolerate from anyone. She respects her femininity and her body and curves no matter what the media tell her.

A woman who seeks a commitment from a man is actually going after the goal and not living the ROLE. This means being a woman who KNOWS she’s the kind a man wouldn’t want to lose, as opposed to TELLING a man or trying to convince him of this.

So what about attraction? How important is it for commitment?

Carlos says that attraction happens from the inside out. You can’t PRETEND to be the kind of woman a man will be attracted to— you either are or you aren’t.

For example, you probably know that being more hard-to-get naturally brings about a response of “pursuit” in a man. A man will be drawn to you if you seem more aloof and “busy.” Does that mean you should “play” hard to get and make fake excuses about why you can’t go on a date this weekend?

Carlos says no.

Don’t “play” hard to get. BE hard to get.

It’s not about playing by some “rule” that says you shouldn’t be available each time he calls. You should actually be out there doing things on weekends, with your friends, with your dog, volunteering, playing sports. So when he calls you Saturday morning to see you that night, you already have other plans… for real.

If you live the life that NATURALLY makes you a bit more scarce, you will flip that switch from just seeking a relationship to becoming the person that is ALREADY fulfilled, so a relationship is a bonus, not a be-all and end-all.

Be R.E.A.L. And Enjoy Success With Dating

Carlos has developed a short and easy-to-remember acronym for women to keep in mind when dating, so they can be more successful finding the right person and making it last. It’s R.E.A.L. and it means:

R — Relax. This is supposed to be fun.

E — Effective and Energized. Do things that are effective for you and reflect your true self when going on a date. Be an energized part of the process. Don’t have a negative attitude about dating because you’ll just predispose yourself to fail.

A — Alpha and Authentic. Alpha means being your “essential feminine”, being grounded in your core gender qualities. Authentic is just being yourself. Don’t put on an act just because you think it’s attractive.

L — Lifestyle and Lasting. The things you work on to ensure better success in dating and relationships should be a CORE part of your lifestyle. For example, have a full and enjoyable social schedule, don’t just pretend you’re busy because you’re playing a game.

In conclusion, Carlos says to get in touch with the INNER CHILD and have a playful, fun attitude toward life. It will go a long way to creating the kind of life and love you want to have.

This interview was just chock-full of fascinating insights and tips about communication, dating and commitment. I couldn’t possibly fit everything Carlos talked about in this report, so if you haven’t already, take the time to listen to the CD and listen to it at least a few times so you can really absorb ALL the ideas and concepts. It’ll help you build upon a great foundation for real and lasting success in dating and relationships.

To get in touch with Carlos and get some more of his amazing insights into how men and women can better connect and how you can be irresistible to the right guy, go to .

I’ll talk to you again soon.

Your Friend,

Christian Carter


These are just some of the highlights of Christian Carters Interview with Carlos Xuma. Sign yourself up now by clicking here to get Christian Carter's Catch Him and Keep Him eBook and Interview Series subscription. 

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