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Karinna Kittles-Karston
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Christian Carter Interviews
Carlos Xuma
“The 4-Step Formula For Creating An Unbreakable
Connection With Your Man & The Secret To What It
REALLY Takes For A Man To Commit”
This month I had the pleasure of interviewing a
special friend of mine who is a dating and
relationship advice “guru”. His name is Carlos Xuma.
Although he’s helped hundreds of women find and
connect to the man of their dreams through his
website, seminars and newsletter, he originally
started out helping men with dating advice. This has
given him a fascinating perspective on what goes on
for MEN when it comes to problems with dating or in
the early stages of relationships, and what they see
as “problems” both early on the dating process and
later when things get more serious…
Carlos’ background is in motivation and psychology
theory, so his specialty is motivating people, not
just teaching skills or giving people steps to
perform. He tries to get at the core of WHY someone
will keep doing the things they need to do to change
their life, instead of just listening to something
and forgetting about it a day later.
Carlos says there’s a lot of information out there
when it comes to dating and relationships, so
helping people achieve real success is not just a
matter of giving out even MORE information. It’s
about developing the right MOTIVATION to want to
have a different perspective and change from
self-defeating to more self-empowering behavior.
When he was younger, Carlos didn’t have a lot of
dating success himself. It made him so distraught
that he decided to go on his own “quest” to find out
what works in attraction and relationships… and what
doesn’t. He quickly realized that to be successful
in dating it takes MORE than just trial-and-error
and using your “intuition.”
He discovered it takes finding a COMMON GROUND of
understanding between a man and a woman since they
both experience things from such a different
perspective. Unless you can “get” why a man does or
says things, you will never be able to connect in
any meaningful or deep way.
In this interview Carlos shares his insights into
how you can find that common ground with ANY man,
improve the way you communicate, push all the right
“buttons” and have him begging you for a commitment.
Here are just some of the highlights… enjoy!
You Get Emotional and He Gets Angry.
Why?
How many times has this happened to you? Your man
says or does something that hurts your feelings or
frustrates you. Maybe it’s something he would
consider “no big deal” like forgetting to call you
when he said he would or showing up pretty late for
an important date.
Now you’re thinking of all the OTHER times he’s done
this, but you haven’t said anything about it. The
feelings of disappointment boil up to the surface
and you try to tell him how you feel and why you’re
not happy, and maybe you get a little more emotional
than you thought you were going to.
But instead of listening to you and acknowledging
how you feel, he quickly goes from silent, to
defensive, to outright angry.
It makes you feel like you should have just kept
quiet about the whole thing. You certainly don’t
feel BETTER. You feel WORSE for having said
anything!
Why does this happen so often between men and women?
First, Carlos says, women generally have a much
richer EMOTIONAL PALETTE than men. This is
frustrating to men because they just don’t
understand what that is like.
When a woman comes to a man with an emotional
experience, the man sees it as BLAME or somehow as a
negative judgment of him. He doesn’t understand the
woman’s emotions and certainly has a hard time
acknowledging them.
He just want to fix it.
But he can’t fix it. There is no short-cut to
“fixing” the way a woman will feel unless the actual
emotions are acknowledged.
A man’s goal when he hears a woman being emotional
is “I need to get her over the way she feels.”
A woman doesn’t want a man to get her over it. She
wants him to GO ALONG with how she feels and NOT
necessarily grab the reigns.
When a man can’t seem to “fix” or understand
something, he gets frustrated. In men, frustration
can quickly turn to anger.
In my view, this also shows the differences between
what a woman says to a man and what a man PERCEIVES.
A man will either feel CRITICIZED or blamed in some
way when confronted with a strong emotional reaction
from a woman. Because men want to feel competent and
respected for their abilities and efforts, any
emotional attack makes him feel like he can’t make
you happy, and he’s a failure.
Carlos teaches men how to respond in a way OTHER
than with anger or frustration when a woman is being
emotional. He teaches women to understand that a man
will have a hard time “relating” to her emotions and
not to expect that he’ll automatically do what she
thinks he “should” in that moment.
This is the road to better understanding and
connection. Recognizing what we do versus what other
people perceive is so ripe with the power to change
our lives.
Why It’s So Hard For A Woman To SPEAK HER MIND With
A Man (but why she needs to…)
If a man needs to feel admired and respected in
order to feel good about his relationship with a
woman, what does a woman need in order to feel happy
with a man?
Carlos says that women need to feel CHERISHED and
CONNECTED. Connection is so essential for her
relationships and for her overall feeling of
happiness that she will do whatever it takes to keep
that connection strong.
When it comes to a love relationship, a woman will
often not want to “risk” the connection she feels by
telling a man exactly what she wants and needs…
because she imagines it could damage that
connection.
How does this fear play out?
Let’s say a man is making plans for some weekend
activity with the guys but has forgotten about a
special date he had planned with his girlfriend.
Maybe it’s something they talked about weeks ago,
and now it’s slipped his mind.
He’ll tell his girlfriend that he’s going to hang
out with his friends on Saturday, but instead of
reminding him of their special plans, she says
nothing because she doesn’t want to seem “clingy” or
“needy” and doesn’t want to risk the connection they
feel. So she says nothing… in the moment. Instead,
she stews and seethes the entire weekend about how
UNCARING her jerk of a boyfriend is! (When in
reality he just forgot.)
Later, maybe even AFTER the man has returned from
his outing with his friends, the woman explodes in
emotion because she can’t keep it inside anymore.
Uh boy…
Inevitably, the ideas that men are “impossible to
talk to” or “get angry when I tell him how I feel”
get VALIDATED in these moments. It creates a vicious
cycle of hurt, silence, anger, hurt, silence, and so
on. This is exactly why, Carlos says, men wish women
would just SPEAK UP ahead of time, or right when
things are feeling “off”… not hours or days or weeks
later.
In other words, “Why didn’t you say so in the FIRST
PLACE?”
This is why Carlos advocates for couples to
establish a sense of SAFETY in relationships, so
that both people feel like they can express
themselves without alienating the other person. This
is the same concept as my “Anything Is OK” idea for
communicating with a man in order to get him to be
MORE HONEST with you. It’s not that anything he DOES
is OK, it’s that it’s OK for him to tell you
anything because he doesn’t have to worry that
you’ll reprimand, judge or belittle him.
Or get too emotional…Of course, you’ll have to
decide in your own way whether what he tells you is
something you’ll accept for yourself in the
relationship or not, and tell him so, but it’s the
ATTITUDE and approach you take initially that allows
him to be honest with you.
The 4-Step Formula For More Warmth And Connection In
Any Conversation
Carlos has a formula to help women have more honest
and emotionally engaged interactions or
conversations in any situation with a man—whether on
a first date or in a long-term relationship. Or with
anyone, for that matter.
This formula literally REDIRECTS the conversation
from going into a dead-end of misunderstanding and
anger and into DEEPER UNDERSTANDING and a more
loving connection.
Let’s start with an example of a woman being on a
first date with a man. He starts to tell her that he
had cheated on his last girlfriend, which puts her
on “alert.” Maybe she’s had a bad experience with
that kind of thing in the past.
Does she assume she’s right, lash out at the guy and
end the date on a silent note, vowing to herself
that she’ll never talk to him again?
Carlos would say that this was a perfect opportunity
to try his 4-Step Formula. Which is:
1. Hear the person out. When you are put on edge
because someone says something that pushes a
“button”, this immediately makes it more difficult
for you to see the other person’s point of view.
Instead of hearing what they’re saying, you’re in
defense of yourself and your ego. The connection is
gone.
Sure, you’re feeling a lot of emotions in the
moment, and it’s ok to put those “on hold” until
you’ve really LISTENED to everything the man has to
say. And this isn’t just the half-baked kind of
listening where you’re mulling over how you’re going
to respond the next nanosecond there’s an opening.
No, I’m not talking about that kind of “bad
listening”.
I’m talking about the kind of listening where you
fully engage with what the other person is saying
and you experience what they are thinking and
feeling on the same level as if they were saying
something that appealed to you.
2. Let the emotions you’re feeling pass a little
bit. Ok, so you’re still a little ruffled by what
the guy said. It brings up ALL KINDS of stuff in
your mind. But challenge yourself to just “sit” with
your feelings for much longer than you would usually
before you ACT on how you’re feeling.
This may be anywhere from a few hours to a few days.
In that time, something might change and you may
find that the original concern RESOLVED ITSELF
without you intervening or making too much more out
of it.
In the example I mentioned, perhaps you find out
later in the conversation that you had misunderstood
the timeline of the guy’s story, and in fact he
HADN’T cheated on his last girlfriend.
Aren’t you glad you didn’t storm off and leave him
wondering?
3. Ask yourself—what need is that other person
trying to fill with that comment, that belief, etc?
Or as I say, “Seek first to understand before being
understood.”
Unfortunately when we’re in the heat of an argument
the LAST thing we want to do is give that person
more understanding. However, the simplest tool for
getting more of what you want is to GIVE more
understanding.
Also, asking yourself this question takes the focus
away from your own immediate emotional reaction and
allows you a few minutes to see the other person’s
point of view.
And in the case of the first date, perhaps you would
step back and ask yourself why this guy would tell
you about cheating on his girlfriend. Maybe he feels
badly about it and wants to be open and up-front
with you? Maybe to see what your reaction is?
You don’t need to target the “perfect” answer, the
point here is to simply ASK YOURSELF… and in the
process, step away from your own emotions and simply
consider what the other person is feeling and
experiencing.
Three Things To Avoid On The First Date
A lot of the mistakes Carlos sees women making on
the first date have to do with simple feelings of
nervousness about the situation.
Being nervous is normal. Tell yourself to relax and
control some of the unattractive behavior that
results from this kind of anxiety, and you can go a
long way to making a GREAT FIRST IMPRESSION.
Here are two things to avoid:
1. AVOID talking too much or asking too many
questions. A man wants to feel like he’s on a date,
not a job interview. It’s ok to keep the
conversation flowing by asking a question here and
there, but be sure to balance it out by letting him
ask some questions about you, too.
2. AVOID acting nervous. Picture a woman out on a
date who can’t stop squirming, chewing on her nails,
twirling her hair, throwing her hair back over her
shoulders, and giggling self- consciously. It’s kind
of funny, until you realize that might be YOU. Take
a deep breath and try to keep your hands still and
relaxed.
3. AVOID “heavy” conversation. Sometimes we jump to
wanting to make a connection and not understand that
a first date is just an exploratory experience. You
don’t need to tell the guy everything about your
life or why you broke up with the last guy you were
with or why your life is in shambles. Keep it light.
If you make the right impression, there will be
plenty of time for that sort of conversation later
in the relationship.
The Secret to Getting a Man to Commit
When Carlos does seminars on the topic of men and
commitment, he asks the women in the audience:
“What kind of woman will a man find more attractive?
A woman who is fulfilling her life or a woman who is
searching for a man?”
Women will admit they know the right answer, but
they also know the REALITY of what they tend to do.
Getting a commitment from a man builds on a
foundation where the man senses a woman KNOWS HER
VALUE, that she has enough mself-respect and esteem
to move on to the next thing if she didn’t get what
she needed and wanted from the relationship.
The secret to commitment is to be the kind of woman
that a man doesn’t want to lose. This means to be
the kind of woman who has her own certainty and
self-respect to know what she will and will not
tolerate from anyone. She respects her femininity
and her body and curves no matter what the media
tell her.
A woman who seeks a commitment from a man is
actually going after the goal and not living the
ROLE. This means being a woman who KNOWS she’s the
kind a man wouldn’t want to lose, as opposed to
TELLING a man or trying to convince him of this.
So what about attraction? How important is it for
commitment?
Carlos says that attraction happens from the inside
out. You can’t PRETEND to be the kind of woman a man
will be attracted to— you either are or you aren’t.
For example, you probably know that being more
hard-to-get naturally brings about a response of
“pursuit” in a man. A man will be drawn to you if
you seem more aloof and “busy.” Does that mean you
should “play” hard to get and make fake excuses
about why you can’t go on a date this weekend?
Carlos says no.
Don’t “play” hard to get. BE hard to get.
It’s not about playing by some “rule” that says you
shouldn’t be available each time he calls. You
should actually be out there doing things on
weekends, with your friends, with your dog,
volunteering, playing sports. So when he calls you
Saturday morning to see you that night, you already
have other plans… for real.
If you live the life that NATURALLY makes you a bit
more scarce, you will flip that switch from just
seeking a relationship to becoming the person that
is ALREADY fulfilled, so a relationship is a bonus,
not a be-all and end-all.
Be R.E.A.L. And Enjoy Success With Dating
Carlos has developed a short and easy-to-remember
acronym for women to keep in mind when dating, so
they can be more successful finding the right person
and making it last. It’s R.E.A.L. and it means:
R — Relax. This is supposed to be fun.
E — Effective and Energized. Do things that are
effective for you and reflect your true self when
going on a date. Be an energized part of the
process. Don’t have a negative attitude about dating
because you’ll just predispose yourself to fail.
A — Alpha and Authentic. Alpha means being your
“essential feminine”, being grounded in your core
gender qualities. Authentic is just being yourself.
Don’t put on an act just because you think it’s
attractive.
L — Lifestyle and Lasting. The things you work on to
ensure better success in dating and relationships
should be a CORE part of your lifestyle. For
example, have a full and enjoyable social schedule,
don’t just pretend you’re busy because you’re
playing a game.
In conclusion, Carlos says to get in touch with the
INNER CHILD and have a playful, fun attitude toward
life. It will go a long way to creating the kind of
life and love you want to have.
This interview was just chock-full of fascinating
insights and tips about communication, dating and
commitment. I couldn’t possibly fit everything
Carlos talked about in this report, so if you
haven’t already, take the time to listen to the CD
and listen to it at least a few times so you can
really absorb ALL the ideas and concepts. It’ll help
you build upon a great foundation for real and
lasting success in dating and relationships.
To get in touch with Carlos and get some more of his
amazing insights into how men and women can better
connect and how you can be irresistible to the right
guy, go to
www.DatingAdviceGuru.com .
I’ll talk to you again soon.
Your Friend,
Christian Carter
These are just some of the highlights of Christian
Carters Interview with Carlos Xuma. Sign yourself up
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