Christian Carter

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Chapter 5: The Biggest Mistakes Women Make With Their Emotions & Why Men Love “Cool” Girls

There’s a secret compliment I’ve heard men give over and over to certain women when they’re talking about her with other men and I’ve finally figured out what it means. This is a kind of “guy code”; an unspoken, but universally understood male slang.

Men will refer to some women they know as a “cool girl” or a “cool woman.”

Ever heard a guy say this? It may sound simple and shallow, but when men say this about a woman, they’re talking about something a lot more tangible and interesting.

So what does this guy code of a “cool girl” actually mean? In my experience, after hanging out with hundreds of men and getting the same general idea of what they mean when they say a “cool girl”, they mean that the woman “gets” certain social and emotional dynamics that resonate deeply with men.

And more importantly, there’s a subtle implication that the woman is someone that the man would like to spend time with. That being around her is all about good experiences and fun, positive energy that the man can relate to, and not about any negative things that men unfortunately associate with women they don’t like.

Yeah, that’s right… Some men “lump” the women they dislike into one big category so when they meet a woman and she reminds them of any of those women, they automatically dismiss her without giving her the benefit of the doubt.

Kind of sad, huh? But it happens. Ever been talking about something you feel strongly or kind of “emotional” about and the guy you were talking to either shut down, seemed irritated, or started in on you for some unknown reason? This reaction was probably because the man associated you with a woman or an experience from his past.

Actually, there’s even a larger stereotype that men promote: women are “hysterical.” Come up against that one before? It must be really frustrating to deal with.

But let’s get back to the idea of “cool girls.” What are these women doing that makes men see them that way?

After looking around, watching the way some of the “cool girls” behave, I’ve seen a few things they all do and don’t do.

Let’s start with the “Do’s.”

Cool girls don’t complain much or talk about things that are impossible for anyone to solve given the current situation.

Cool girls bring funny positive thoughts and feelings to situations.

Cool girls don’t have to always be in control. They’re willing to go with the flow when it comes to social things, but make assertion when they have opinions and ideas.

Cool girls have options and things to do that keep them busy and content, so they don’t feel like they’re left out if they’re not invited to something.

Cool girls don’t try and make a man do something if he says he doesn’t want to. They’d prefer for the man to make up his own mind.

When cool girls need help, they find simple, non-controlling ways to ask for it. Cool girls know that getting or asking for help, and communicating about it in a positive way means keeping their own emotional agenda at bay.

Cool girls can handle almost any social situation. They don’t get nervous or anxious around certain people, places, and situations.

Cool girls don’t require or ask too much from a man at any one time. They know there’s always tomorrow.

Cool girls don’t need a man to always validate their emotions and ideas.

Cool girls aren’t afraid to be completely honest, and know what a real level of honesty is and sounds like (to a man).

Cool girls know that the way they feel and talk about themselves is how men will feel about them.

And here are the “cool girl” Don’ts.

Don’t minimize your feelings when you’re really affected or bothered by something. (Don’t say, “it’s OK” and then mope all night.) Men have a sense of intuition too, so don’t lie about your feelings. Take the time to observe your feelings and be patient with how you express them, and consider what response your words are going to get out of a man.

Don’t exaggerate about what’s going on around you or what a man is doing, unless you do it to make a joke or make fun of him in a playful way. (Don’t say, “You NEVER want to do anything fun!” if you feel aggravated that he just wants to stay home. A joking, playful response would be to say with a smirk, “My friends are gonna be jealous when they hear about the rip-roaring Saturday night we had!”)

Don’t say everything that you’re feeling and experiencing. Think before you speak. (Yeah, so your co-worker offloaded a big project on you before she left for vacation. Do you REALLY need to bring it up and complain about it while you’re out at dinner? Wouldn’t it be better to just let it go and enjoy your evening?)

Don’t mention bad situations, issues or problems from the past unless it’s a total “must” or extremely important and you haven’t been able to talk about it yet. Otherwise, live in the present. (Don’t keep bringing up that time when you were first dating and he didn’t invite you to his party. That was months ago!)

Don’t try to force or convince a man to talk about his feelings. He’ll think you’re being needy. (Men hate constantly answering, “so what are you thinking and feeling right now?”)

It’s important to mention that the goal isn’t to keep you from having your feelings. It’s critical for you to acknowledge and respect the feelings that come up to you from inside. But the goal is to bring you to a place where you can begin to observe how you’re feeling and make conscious decisions by using BOTH your emotions and your intellect. The goal is to use your new emotional and intellectual wisdom BEFORE you act in certain situations.