Christian Carter

Catch Him and Keep Him

 

 

 

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Why A Man Gets

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 On Self-Improvement (Why Blaming Him Doesn’t Work) (From Chapter 2)


Some people like to say that when you meet the right person you’ll know it, and everything will fall into place. But that’s the exception, not the rule. If you’re like most women in the world, you know that relationships, love, and commitment take a lot more than just luck and timing—although that’s part of it.

The good things in life, such as the relationships you value, don’t just settle into place the way you want them to. Meeting people can be spontaneous and easy, but to maintain a meaningful and fulfilling connection in your life requires some real work on both sides—like it or not.

Men, dating, relationships, and love are the same way. You’ve got to do some “work” of your own before you enter a relationship and during the relationship to be prepared and to be in the right state of mind. The good news is, working on yourself is the most rewarding and gratifying kind of work you might ever do.

At this point you might be thinking “Why should I do all this work when it’s men that have the big issues and commitment fears that keep me from having the relationship I want? Why does it seem I’m the only one who wants things to be better?”

Well, I look at it this way. There are two kinds of people: the ones who blame everything on other people and the ones who take responsibility for what happens in their life.

Guess which group tends to be much happier and are able to turn their dreams into reality? Exactly, it’s the group that takes responsibility for what happens around them.

If you want to create great situations in your life, you need to think positively about the situation, learn as much as you can about doing what you need to do, and set out to do it in small realistic steps, without expectations of immediate success. In other words, you’ve got to expect some failure and give yourself the time and room to learn.

The best way to make positive changes in your relationships is to first look at ways you can make those changes in YOURSELF and learn everything you can about where the other people in your life are coming from. You can’t change other people; you can only change yourself.

The most successful people I know are the ones who think hard about what they want and come to terms with the realities of how their desires can fit with the people involved. Then they plan how to get there and follow through with a consistent long-term effort and don’t blame other people for not having what they want. And they DON’T expect easy or instant success with any pieces of the puzzle.

It’s no surprise that the women I know who are happiest in their relationships are the ones who adopt this long-term realistic attitude in their love life.


Change Your Internal State, Change Your Relationship Dynamics

Let’s do some important work to address the idea of your internal “state.” By “state” I mean the feeling that you have in your body and your heart.

Can you remember a time when you felt happy and excited? Can you remember a time when you felt powerful and energetic? If you can, then you can HAVE THESE FEELINGS ANY TIME YOU WANT THEM.

If you’re feeling down because a friend said something critical to you or you haven’t gotten a return call from the man you just started dating, try thinking about a time when your friend was complimentary or when that man first asked you out. It felt great—empowering, even, didn’t it? Try to really LIVE that moment in your entire body again.

Most people don't use their memories to help them feel good like this because they say "Well, that's not really how I'm feeling, I'm just imagining it." Well, I have news for you: You're ALWAYS just imagining it. Whatever it is that you’re thinking about right now is already in the past, you’re not actually experiencing it right this minute. You’re “imagining” it. You might as well imagine it when you need it instead of letting those memories and feelings come upon you randomly.

Here's how to do this: Write down three positive states that you'd like to be able to put yourself into anytime you'd like. Then, write down three instances in your life when you felt each of those states. Finally, close your eyes, and imagine yourself in each of the three situations that made you feel the state that you want, and do SOMETHING UNIQUE with your body as you're remembering.

For instance, if you'd like to feel powerful and confident, recall an event that made you feel this way, then as you’re remembering the situation, breath out quickly while puckering your lips. If you do this process of remembering the states and breathing out quickly at the same time, all you have to do in the future is close your eyes, breath out quickly while remembering these feelings, and you'll have the states that you want. It's like having a push button for feeling good on your body. It creates a mind-body connection that works in your favor!

Next, practice putting yourself into your powerful states when you're in various environments. Go to different places, and practice getting yourself into your various inner states while dealing with all the distractions around you. This is really the trick. This might take some doing, but once you have it mastered, you'll be able to get yourself into a positive state when you’re feeling the LEAST positive and when you really need it. (Could this be useful when you're feeling upset, afraid, unhappy, or frustrated? Maybe…)

Let’s say you have a tendency to feel easily upset and insecure whenever your boyfriend tells you he’s made other plans for an evening that don’t include you. You know it shouldn’t be a big deal, but because of painful past experiences, you feel yourself sink into a tight, worried state that could potentially spoil your entire day if you allow it to fester. In this moment, practice your mind-body exercise and recall a time when you felt loved and desired, using your unique body movement. Really feel yourself back in that moment and revel in how good and secure it felt.

It may not seem that this could work to make you feel better, but if you practice it each time you need it, you’ll be surprised at how effective it can be in time.

Another tip: I keep a personal journal of everything that I learn and the insights I have, so I can reflect on it later. This might prove as useful to you as it was to me.


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