Up Healing the Marriage Setting Boundaries Intimacy Questions Dating Mistakes Emotional Infidelity When to Call Flirting Tips Bad Relationships Face Your Fears Date Ideas
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As modern women, there's a lot of complicated stuff
we've managed to figure out. To name a few:
* How to secretly check our BlackBerry from
underneath the conference room table while still
managing to appear focused and engaged during a
snooze-fest of a client meeting.
* How to put together a giant bookshelf from Ikea
using 52 wooden parts, a bag of a gazillion screws
and bolts, and instructions in Swedish.
* How to make partner at our law firm while juggling
the responsibilities being of a single mom.
* How to drive home without messing up a still-wet
mani/pedi.
But there's ONE THING that many of us just can't
seem to wrap our brains around...
How to figure out WHEN (and IF) to call a man!
That's why I'm devoting today's message to five -
count 'em, five - of the most popular
calling-related questions.
So do yourself a favor... put your cell phone on
"silent" and take a little time out to devour every
valuable morsel of advice in today's DISH!
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Dating Dilemma #1: Why Can't I Call Him First?
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"Hi Paige,
I guess my question is it EVER ok to call a guy
first? I just think life's short and sometimes
you've just got to do things and not worry about it
so much. But who knows, not me!
Krysta
Canada"
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Paige's Dating Dish Tip #1: "NOT Calling is More
Empowering"
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My response:
"Krysta,
Of course every woman is free to make her own
choices, but since you've written to ask what I
think about calling a man first, I'm going to give
you my honest opinion...
Never, ever make the first phone call.
Here are 3 great reasons why you SHOULDN'T call him:
1. IF HE LIKES YOU, HE *WILL* CALL YOU FIRST.
MOST men like to be the pursuer at the beginning of
a new relationship.
When you take the initiative to call him, ask him
out, or even simply tell him to call you, he may not
feel like he has to DO anything except sit back and
wait for you to make all the effort. Which is SO
unfair to you... a bright, beautiful woman who
deserves to be lavished with attention!
A guy reader once explained it to me this way:
'As I see it, men are all about accomplishments.
At the beginning of the relationship we'll try hard.
It's as if we have something to prove (male ego, go
figure). But once a woman [makes the effort] we
start to relax and get back into our regular habits
that we have been ignoring (ie. playing poker with
the guys).
This is why men like women who play hard to get. We
have to try harder...so we feel we have accomplished
more.
-Mike
Boston, MA'
Allow the man to take the lead in the beginning.
When you meet the right guy, I think you'll be
pleasantly surprised to see what unfolds when you
let nature take its course.
2. WHEN YOU LET HIM CALL YOU, YOU SEND THE MESSAGE
THAT YOU'RE A HOT COMMODITY.
Nine times out of 10, when a woman calls a man
first, he is either turned off, or momentarily
flattered and intrigued but then loses interest very
quickly, no matter how attractive she may be.
You see, when you meet a man who is genuinely
interested in you, he imagines that you have dozens
of men beating your door down for a date and thinks,
"I'd better call her and take her out soon before
some other guy sweeps her off her feet and I lose my
chance."
When YOU call him first, it destroys that illusion.
It causes him to think, "Hmmm... she must not have
many other options,"or worse, "she sounds a little
desperate" and your stock starts to plummet.
On the other hand, when he has to get up the courage
to call you - and possibly get your voice mail
("she's got such a busy life! I hope she can make
some time for me!") - he realizes that you are
someone to be valued. This is very exciting to him.
3. *NOT* CALLING EMPOWERS YOU.
Krysta, you say that life's too short and wonder if
you should just 'go for it' and call the guy first.
Well, in my humble opinion, life's too short to
spend it worrying over whether a guy is really
interested in you when there's an easy way to know
for sure.
As I say in Chapter 6 of "Dating Without Drama"
http://tinyurl.com/datenodrama
'Although it may seem counterintuitive at first,
allowing HIM to call you for the first month or so
can be empowering. If he's the one calling you, you
always know where you stand with him. If the phone
keeps ringing and he keeps asking you on dates, you
can be sure that he's into you.
On the flip side, if you're always dialing him up
whenever you feel like chatting you'll never know
whether he's just humoring you or being polite. It
can breed feelings of insecurity - which guys can
detect like dogs smell fear - and you've lost your
footing. As quickly as you can hit the speed dial
button on your cell phone, you can upset the balance
of power in your burgeoning relationship.'
So, Krysta... I recommend that you exercise your
self restraint and let HIM call YOU!"
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Dating Dilemma #2: "But HE SAID 'Call ME!'"
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"Hello Paige,
I just had a nice first date with a guy. We talked
for like 2 hours and he paid for dinner. The end of
the date was weird though. We hugged and he rubbed
my back when he did it, but he did not try to kiss
me. He ended the date by saying, "call me." It
totally threw me off.
Was it a pity "call me" just to appease me? Or was
it a true "call me?" Should I call him? I would like
to see him again, but I feel as if the man should
make the first move. What should I do?
Confused,
Jolene
Harrisburg, PA"
***************************************************************
Paige's Dating Dish Tip #2: "'Call Me' Isn't Always
a Command."
***************************************************************
My Response:
"Hi Jolene,
I totally understand your confusion but the short
answer to your question is no, you should not call
him.
Here are 3 reasons why:
1. To some men, "Call me" is nothing more than a
throwaway phrase, almost like "see ya later!" or
"take care!" They don't mean it literally.
The only way to know for sure if a man means it is
if you've been dating for a while and he's been
actively pursuing you. In which case, the "call me"
will usually be more specific, like "Call me when
you get out of work on Friday and we'll meet for
happy hour," or "Call me after your big presentation
and let me know how it goes."
2. Some men say "call me" to end a date and/or to
avoid openly rejecting a woman.
I've had lots of men admit to me that they'll tell a
date
"call me" because they don't plan on calling her.
As my friend Dave said, "I don't want to be the jerk
who says, 'I just don't see this going anywhere.' So
I'll put it off on her. If she DOES call, I just
won't answer. After a couple of unreturned voice
mails, she'll get the hint, no awkward conversation
required!"
Is it fair? No, but it's an unfortunate reality of
life. We all tell little white lies to avoid hurting
people's feelings. It's not much different than
telling the host of a dinner party that the meal was
"delicious" when you could barely stomach a bite...
...or telling that uncomfortable blind date, "yeah,
we should do this again sometime," when you have no
intention of ever seeing him again.
Wouldn't life be easier if we were just HONEST with
one another? Of course! Is that going to happen in
our lifetime? Probably not.
3. Some men say "call me" because they don't want to
take on the responsibility of moving the
relationship forward. This usually happens when
they're juggling several different women and want to
keep you as an option without making a big effort.
You are far too special to be treated this way!
Remember, you are a catch! Any man who's worth your
time will recognize this and will make every effort
to pursue you until he has your attention.
Go with your instinct on this one, Jolene. You're
hesitant to call him and want him to make the first
move, and I agree.
If a guy is as WOWED by you as he should be, he'll
call. He'll hold onto your number for dear life and
even though he might follow the ridiculous 3-day
waiting period*, your phone will ring and it will be
him asking you out for another date.
Good luck!"
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Dating Dilemma #3: "What Are the Rules for Text
Messaging?"
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"Hello there Paige,
Do the same calling rules apply to text messaging?
-J
McKinney, TX"
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Paige's Dating Dish Tip #3: "Guidelines for Text
Messaging"
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My Response:
"Hello J-
Good question! These days, we have many more
communication options available to us besides the
telephone.
So with the technology of Text Messaging available
(quite literally) at our manicured fingertips,
what's a Dating Without Drama girl to do?
Here's what I recommend:
Guidelines for Text Messaging
* For the same reasons I mentioned in my Dating Dish
Tip #1 regarding phone rules, Don't text him first.
If he texts you, then you can return the message.
* Try to avoid chatting and instead reserve texting
for practical/logistical purposes. For example,
letting him know that you're stuck in traffic and
will be 5 minutes late to your date, confirming
plans - e.g. "We're on 4 Sat. CU then."
* If he sends you a flirtatious message, you can
return the flirty sentiment with something short and
sweet. But remember...
* Don't text your heart on your sleeve. For example,
if your guy writes "Gr8 2 C U last nite. Can't stop
thnkg abt U," return with a simple, "Thx - had a gr8
time 2."
* Resist the urge to send risqué texts. I received a
desperate email from a reader who thought it'd be
fun to one-up her flirty texting partner by
messaging him all of her naughty thoughts. He
freaked out and she never heard from him again. Not
only is she bummed that her move backfired, but she
cringes every time she imagines that her naughty
messages might still be sitting in his inbox... or
worse, being shown to his buddies!
For guidelines on every kind of communication (text,
calling, email, and instant messenger) check out
Chapter 6 of Dating Without Drama:
http://tinyurl.com/datenodrama
Hope this helps, J! Happy Texting!"
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Dating Dilemma #4: "He Said He Would Call and He
Didn't!"
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"Hello Paige,
My name is Beth. I met a great guy; he is "perfect;"
he is what I was looking for. We talked in person
and we have talked twice on the phone. There were
sparks and a great connection between us.
So he said he wasn't gonna call on Friday but he was
on Saturday. I told told him twice I was gonna wait
for his call (and I did) but he never called.
What happened?
~Beth"
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Paige's Dating Dish Tip #4: "Don't Put Your Life On
Hold to Wait for a Phone Call"
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My Response:
"Hi Beth,
I feel your pain. I think every woman who's ever
dated can relate to your situation - the guy who
swears he'll call and then never does.
Here's my take on the situation:
Most men love a challenge. Even though most don't
openly admit it, when they first meet a woman they
love that heart-pumping, adrenaline-fueled feeling
they get when the phone goes ring...ring...ring...
and they're not sure whether you're going to pick
up.
When you let him know flat out that you've cleared
your schedule to await his call, it sucks all of the
excitement out of it.
Think of it like bumper bowling. It doesn't exactly
feel like a victory to get a strike when there's no
danger of bowling a gutter ball.
So how could you have replied differently when he
said, "I'll call you Saturday"?
"Cool. Speak to you soon" in your most lighthearted,
casual voice.
And then rather than waiting around for his call,
you should have made plans as you normally would
have for Saturday -e.g. catch your regular Pilates
class, meet your sister for brunch, hit a movie with
your girlfriends.
Who knows... maybe he would have called while you
were in the movie and immediately gotten your voice
mail. This would intrigue him ("I wonder what she's
up to") and send the subtle message that you're not
waiting around for his call.
If he DID reach you, he'd ask, "What's up?" and you
could reply, "Oh... I just took an amazing Pilates
class and I'm on my way to meet my sister for
brunch. Can I call you back later?" This sends the
message that you've got a full and exciting life of
your own, which is infinitely sexy to a man.
This is not game playing because you're not
PRETENDING to be busy to mess with his mind. You're
actually enjoying your day. After all, there's no
guarantee that he WILL call so why should you waste
a glorious Saturday waiting around?
At this point, if "Mr. Perfect" doesn't call you in
the next few days, I recommend that you let it go.
If this is the way he acts in the beginning, it
doesn't bode well for the future.
You're better off focusing your energy on meeting a
man who actually follows through on his promises!"
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Dating Dilemma #5: "How Do I Know When It's OK to
Call Him?"
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"Paige,
I purchased your ebook a few months ago and am
finding out things I never even thought about. The
book has helped me tremendously.
I have been dating a guy for 2 months now and he
made a comment the other evening while on a date
that I never call him. (This was done in a joking
sense.)
I didn't say anything and changed the subject.
Paige, my question is, when is it OK to call a guy?
It has only been 2 months and I don't want to do
anything that would cause him to pull away.
The book has helped me find more confidence. I know
that I would not be dating this person right now,
had I not read the book, there are so many things I
would have done incorrectly.
I have gained more power in the relationship by not
calling...not saying "needy" things, but I just
don't know where to go from here.
Cheers,
Ramona"
***************************************************************
Paige's Dating Dish Tip #5: "When You've Captured
His Attention, You Can Call Him!"
***************************************************************
My Response:
"Ramona,
Thanks for writing and I'm thrilled to hear that my
book is working so well for you!
Each relationship is different and has its own
unique timing. The 'don't call him' rule I discuss
in my book is really in place when you're just
beginning to date a new guy to ensure that you're
not the one taking on the role of the pursuer by
making all the effort. (A major turn-off for the
guy, as I explain in my book!)
I DO actually cover the topic of when it's OK to
call a man in Chapter 6 of "Dating
Without Drama," but here's a little refresher in
case you missed it:
"Good news.
There does come a time in the courting process when
a man will realize that the thrill of the chase is
nothing compared to the thrill of just being with
you.
He'll actually start to grow tired of his own game
and long for the moment when you two can just become
real with one another. Since every person is
different and every relationship has its own unique
time table, I can't tell you when exactly that
moment will come for you.
It may coincide with the decision that you want to
be exclusive and not see other people, or it may
come as early on as the 3rd date. Whenever this
happens for you, you'll know that you have the green
light to initiate phone calls with him."
When I was on the dating scene, that point would
usually come forme when the guy and I got into a
dating rhythm... when it was pretty much assumed
that we had a standing date every Saturday night.
(FYI: Saturday nights are PRIME dating real estate,
and if he reserves his for you, that's a clear sign
that he's really into you!)
Ramona, the fact that he brought up "you never call
me" - even in a joking tone - means that what you've
been doing is working!
You have set yourself apart from all of the other
all-too-available women out there who are calling
and chasing him.
You are the one woman he has to take action to
PURSUE, which intrigues him, makes you valuable to
him, and makes him crave spending time with you.
His joking, "you never call me" is his way of asking
for more attention from you while trying not to
sound needy.
Imagine - the GUY getting a little needy for once!
I think you've officially reached the time where it
is appropriate to move beyond just returning calls
to actually initiating them.
Until you are in a committed relationship, however,
I recommend limiting your initiated phone calls to
one or two a week. If you start calling him at your
every whim (you see something funny on TV that you
want to tell him about, you're bored and want to
chat, your boss made you cry and you want to talk it
out), you can quickly and easily begin to devalue
yourself in his eyes by being too accessible and
jumping right into 'girlfriend mode' before you've
ever discussed getting serious.
Other than being mindful of that, let go and enjoy
this exciting time in your relationship - you
deserve it!"
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Are you ready to stop waiting by the phone and start
making the love life of your dreams become reality?
In my eBook "Dating Without Drama," I'll teach you
how!
If you haven't checked it out yet, I recommend you
download it right now.
It's chock full of answers that will help improve
your dating (everything from how to put yourself in
the right frame of mind for successful dating, to
how to understand the way men think, to how to know
when - and when not to - call).
In fact, one of the free bonuses that comes along
with my ebook ("Reflections and Revelations: A
Dater's Self-Discovery Guide") even has a chart to
help decode a man's "calling game!"
Just follow
this link to get your very own copy instantly:
http://tinyurl.com/datenodrama
Thanks for DISHING! I'll write you again soon!
Your friend,
Paige
PS - Know a woman who's obsessing over a phone
dilemma? Be a pal - forward her this email!
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Copyright 2007 Dating Without Drama Inc. All rights
reserved.
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