Dating Tips for Women

When to Call Him



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As modern women, there's a lot of complicated stuff we've managed to figure out. To name a few:

* How to secretly check our BlackBerry from underneath the conference room table while still managing to appear focused and engaged during a snooze-fest of a client meeting.

* How to put together a giant bookshelf from Ikea using 52 wooden parts, a bag of a gazillion screws and bolts, and instructions in Swedish.

* How to make partner at our law firm while juggling the responsibilities being of a single mom.

* How to drive home without messing up a still-wet mani/pedi.

But there's ONE THING that many of us just can't seem to wrap our brains around...

How to figure out WHEN (and IF) to call a man!

That's why I'm devoting today's message to five - count 'em, five - of the most popular calling-related questions.

So do yourself a favor... put your cell phone on "silent" and take a little time out to devour every valuable morsel of advice in today's DISH!


Dating Dilemma #1: Why Can't I Call Him First?


"Hi Paige,

I guess my question is it EVER ok to call a guy first? I just think life's short and sometimes you've just got to do things and not worry about it so much. But who knows, not me!



Paige's Dating Dish Tip #1: "NOT Calling is More Empowering"


My response:


Of course every woman is free to make her own choices, but since you've written to ask what I think about calling a man first, I'm going to give you my honest opinion...

Never, ever make the first phone call.

Here are 3 great reasons why you SHOULDN'T call him:


MOST men like to be the pursuer at the beginning of a new relationship.

When you take the initiative to call him, ask him out, or even simply tell him to call you, he may not feel like he has to DO anything except sit back and wait for you to make all the effort. Which is SO unfair to you... a bright, beautiful woman who deserves to be lavished with attention!

A guy reader once explained it to me this way:

'As I see it, men are all about accomplishments.

At the beginning of the relationship we'll try hard. It's as if we have something to prove (male ego, go figure). But once a woman [makes the effort] we start to relax and get back into our regular habits that we have been ignoring (ie. playing poker with the guys).

This is why men like women who play hard to get. We have to try we feel we have accomplished more.

Boston, MA'

Allow the man to take the lead in the beginning. When you meet the right guy, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised to see what unfolds when you let nature take its course.


Nine times out of 10, when a woman calls a man first, he is either turned off, or momentarily flattered and intrigued but then loses interest very quickly, no matter how attractive she may be.

You see, when you meet a man who is genuinely interested in you, he imagines that you have dozens of men beating your door down for a date and thinks, "I'd better call her and take her out soon before some other guy sweeps her off her feet and I lose my chance."

When YOU call him first, it destroys that illusion. It causes him to think, "Hmmm... she must not have many other options,"or worse, "she sounds a little desperate" and your stock starts to plummet.

On the other hand, when he has to get up the courage to call you - and possibly get your voice mail ("she's got such a busy life! I hope she can make some time for me!") - he realizes that you are someone to be valued. This is very exciting to him.


Krysta, you say that life's too short and wonder if you should just 'go for it' and call the guy first. Well, in my humble opinion, life's too short to spend it worrying over whether a guy is really interested in you when there's an easy way to know for sure.

As I say in Chapter 6 of "Dating Without Drama"

'Although it may seem counterintuitive at first, allowing HIM to call you for the first month or so can be empowering. If he's the one calling you, you always know where you stand with him. If the phone keeps ringing and he keeps asking you on dates, you can be sure that he's into you.

On the flip side, if you're always dialing him up whenever you feel like chatting you'll never know whether he's just humoring you or being polite. It can breed feelings of insecurity - which guys can detect like dogs smell fear - and you've lost your footing. As quickly as you can hit the speed dial button on your cell phone, you can upset the balance of power in your burgeoning relationship.'

So, Krysta... I recommend that you exercise your self restraint and let HIM call YOU!"


Dating Dilemma #2: "But HE SAID 'Call ME!'"


"Hello Paige,

I just had a nice first date with a guy. We talked for like 2 hours and he paid for dinner. The end of the date was weird though. We hugged and he rubbed my back when he did it, but he did not try to kiss me. He ended the date by saying, "call me." It totally threw me off.

Was it a pity "call me" just to appease me? Or was it a true "call me?" Should I call him? I would like to see him again, but I feel as if the man should make the first move. What should I do?

Harrisburg, PA"


Paige's Dating Dish Tip #2: "'Call Me' Isn't Always a Command."


My Response:

"Hi Jolene,

I totally understand your confusion but the short answer to your question is no, you should not call him.

Here are 3 reasons why:

1. To some men, "Call me" is nothing more than a throwaway phrase, almost like "see ya later!" or "take care!" They don't mean it literally.

The only way to know for sure if a man means it is if you've been dating for a while and he's been actively pursuing you. In which case, the "call me" will usually be more specific, like "Call me when you get out of work on Friday and we'll meet for happy hour," or "Call me after your big presentation and let me know how it goes."

2. Some men say "call me" to end a date and/or to avoid openly rejecting a woman.

I've had lots of men admit to me that they'll tell a date
"call me" because they don't plan on calling her.

As my friend Dave said, "I don't want to be the jerk who says, 'I just don't see this going anywhere.' So I'll put it off on her. If she DOES call, I just won't answer. After a couple of unreturned voice mails, she'll get the hint, no awkward conversation required!"

Is it fair? No, but it's an unfortunate reality of life. We all tell little white lies to avoid hurting people's feelings. It's not much different than telling the host of a dinner party that the meal was "delicious" when you could barely stomach a bite...

...or telling that uncomfortable blind date, "yeah, we should do this again sometime," when you have no intention of ever seeing him again.

Wouldn't life be easier if we were just HONEST with one another? Of course! Is that going to happen in our lifetime? Probably not.

3. Some men say "call me" because they don't want to take on the responsibility of moving the relationship forward. This usually happens when they're juggling several different women and want to keep you as an option without making a big effort.

You are far too special to be treated this way!

Remember, you are a catch! Any man who's worth your time will recognize this and will make every effort to pursue you until he has your attention.

Go with your instinct on this one, Jolene. You're hesitant to call him and want him to make the first move, and I agree.

If a guy is as WOWED by you as he should be, he'll call. He'll hold onto your number for dear life and even though he might follow the ridiculous 3-day waiting period*, your phone will ring and it will be him asking you out for another date.

Good luck!"


Dating Dilemma #3: "What Are the Rules for Text Messaging?"


"Hello there Paige,

Do the same calling rules apply to text messaging?

McKinney, TX"


Paige's Dating Dish Tip #3: "Guidelines for Text Messaging"


My Response:

"Hello J-

Good question! These days, we have many more communication options available to us besides the telephone.

So with the technology of Text Messaging available (quite literally) at our manicured fingertips, what's a Dating Without Drama girl to do?

Here's what I recommend:

Guidelines for Text Messaging

* For the same reasons I mentioned in my Dating Dish Tip #1 regarding phone rules, Don't text him first. If he texts you, then you can return the message.

* Try to avoid chatting and instead reserve texting for practical/logistical purposes. For example, letting him know that you're stuck in traffic and will be 5 minutes late to your date, confirming plans - e.g. "We're on 4 Sat. CU then."

* If he sends you a flirtatious message, you can return the flirty sentiment with something short and sweet. But remember...

* Don't text your heart on your sleeve. For example, if your guy writes "Gr8 2 C U last nite. Can't stop thnkg abt U," return with a simple, "Thx - had a gr8 time 2."

* Resist the urge to send risqué texts. I received a desperate email from a reader who thought it'd be fun to one-up her flirty texting partner by messaging him all of her naughty thoughts. He freaked out and she never heard from him again. Not only is she bummed that her move backfired, but she cringes every time she imagines that her naughty messages might still be sitting in his inbox... or worse, being shown to his buddies!

For guidelines on every kind of communication (text, calling, email, and instant messenger) check out Chapter 6 of Dating Without Drama:

Hope this helps, J! Happy Texting!"


Dating Dilemma #4: "He Said He Would Call and He Didn't!"


"Hello Paige,

My name is Beth. I met a great guy; he is "perfect;" he is what I was looking for. We talked in person and we have talked twice on the phone. There were sparks and a great connection between us.

So he said he wasn't gonna call on Friday but he was on Saturday. I told told him twice I was gonna wait for his call (and I did) but he never called.

What happened?



Paige's Dating Dish Tip #4: "Don't Put Your Life On Hold to Wait for a Phone Call"


My Response:

"Hi Beth,

I feel your pain. I think every woman who's ever dated can relate to your situation - the guy who swears he'll call and then never does.

Here's my take on the situation:

Most men love a challenge. Even though most don't openly admit it, when they first meet a woman they love that heart-pumping, adrenaline-fueled feeling they get when the phone goes ring...ring...ring... and they're not sure whether you're going to pick up.

When you let him know flat out that you've cleared your schedule to await his call, it sucks all of the excitement out of it.

Think of it like bumper bowling. It doesn't exactly feel like a victory to get a strike when there's no danger of bowling a gutter ball.

So how could you have replied differently when he said, "I'll call you Saturday"?

"Cool. Speak to you soon" in your most lighthearted, casual voice.

And then rather than waiting around for his call, you should have made plans as you normally would have for Saturday -e.g. catch your regular Pilates class, meet your sister for brunch, hit a movie with your girlfriends.

Who knows... maybe he would have called while you were in the movie and immediately gotten your voice mail. This would intrigue him ("I wonder what she's up to") and send the subtle message that you're not waiting around for his call.

If he DID reach you, he'd ask, "What's up?" and you could reply, "Oh... I just took an amazing Pilates class and I'm on my way to meet my sister for brunch. Can I call you back later?" This sends the message that you've got a full and exciting life of your own, which is infinitely sexy to a man.

This is not game playing because you're not PRETENDING to be busy to mess with his mind. You're actually enjoying your day. After all, there's no guarantee that he WILL call so why should you waste a glorious Saturday waiting around?

At this point, if "Mr. Perfect" doesn't call you in the next few days, I recommend that you let it go. If this is the way he acts in the beginning, it doesn't bode well for the future.

You're better off focusing your energy on meeting a man who actually follows through on his promises!"


Dating Dilemma #5: "How Do I Know When It's OK to Call Him?"



I purchased your ebook a few months ago and am finding out things I never even thought about. The book has helped me tremendously.

I have been dating a guy for 2 months now and he made a comment the other evening while on a date that I never call him. (This was done in a joking sense.)

I didn't say anything and changed the subject. Paige, my question is, when is it OK to call a guy? It has only been 2 months and I don't want to do anything that would cause him to pull away.

The book has helped me find more confidence. I know that I would not be dating this person right now, had I not read the book, there are so many things I would have done incorrectly.

I have gained more power in the relationship by not calling...not saying "needy" things, but I just don't know where to go from here.



Paige's Dating Dish Tip #5: "When You've Captured His Attention, You Can Call Him!"


My Response:


Thanks for writing and I'm thrilled to hear that my book is working so well for you!

Each relationship is different and has its own unique timing. The 'don't call him' rule I discuss in my book is really in place when you're just beginning to date a new guy to ensure that you're not the one taking on the role of the pursuer by making all the effort. (A major turn-off for the guy, as I explain in my book!)

I DO actually cover the topic of when it's OK to call a man in Chapter 6 of "Dating Without Drama," but here's a little refresher in case you missed it:

"Good news.

There does come a time in the courting process when a man will realize that the thrill of the chase is nothing compared to the thrill of just being with you.

He'll actually start to grow tired of his own game and long for the moment when you two can just become real with one another. Since every person is different and every relationship has its own unique time table, I can't tell you when exactly that moment will come for you.

It may coincide with the decision that you want to be exclusive and not see other people, or it may come as early on as the 3rd date. Whenever this happens for you, you'll know that you have the green light to initiate phone calls with him."

When I was on the dating scene, that point would usually come forme when the guy and I got into a dating rhythm... when it was pretty much assumed that we had a standing date every Saturday night.

(FYI: Saturday nights are PRIME dating real estate, and if he reserves his for you, that's a clear sign that he's really into you!)

Ramona, the fact that he brought up "you never call me" - even in a joking tone - means that what you've been doing is working!

You have set yourself apart from all of the other all-too-available women out there who are calling and chasing him.

You are the one woman he has to take action to PURSUE, which intrigues him, makes you valuable to him, and makes him crave spending time with you.

His joking, "you never call me" is his way of asking for more attention from you while trying not to sound needy.

Imagine - the GUY getting a little needy for once!

I think you've officially reached the time where it is appropriate to move beyond just returning calls to actually initiating them.

Until you are in a committed relationship, however, I recommend limiting your initiated phone calls to one or two a week. If you start calling him at your every whim (you see something funny on TV that you want to tell him about, you're bored and want to chat, your boss made you cry and you want to talk it out), you can quickly and easily begin to devalue yourself in his eyes by being too accessible and jumping right into 'girlfriend mode' before you've ever discussed getting serious.

Other than being mindful of that, let go and enjoy this exciting time in your relationship - you deserve it!"

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Are you ready to stop waiting by the phone and start making the love life of your dreams become reality?

In my eBook "Dating Without Drama," I'll teach you how!

If you haven't checked it out yet, I recommend you download it right now.

It's chock full of answers that will help improve your dating (everything from how to put yourself in the right frame of mind for successful dating, to how to understand the way men think, to how to know when - and when not to - call).

In fact, one of the free bonuses that comes along with my ebook ("Reflections and Revelations: A Dater's Self-Discovery Guide") even has a chart to help decode a man's "calling game!"

Just follow this link to get your very own copy instantly:

Thanks for DISHING! I'll write you again soon!

Your friend,

PS - Know a woman who's obsessing over a phone dilemma? Be a pal - forward her this email!

Copyright 2007 Dating Without Drama Inc. All rights reserved.

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