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Face Your Fears
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Dating Advice for Ladies - The Secret to Overcoming
YOUR Worst Fear!
I get a lot of questions on dating advice for women
from those who are subscribed to my dating and
relationship advice newsletters. I make my best
effort to answer each and every question I get, but
there are some dating questions that I truly believe
all the women subscribed to my column can benefit
from. This is one such question from a great reader
needing some dating advice on trust within her
relationship.
We will call this great gal Jenny…
Thank you Sarah, for all those newsletters. Firstly,
my apologies for not replying sooner. You see, I am
in this situation where I met up with my first love
after being apart for two years. We had gone our
separate ways and we just found out our phone
numbers and started communicating again. The thing
is, during those two years I went through a lot with
my ex boyfriend and we broke up which left me not
wanting to have anything to do with guys again. My
first love then comes back and it seems that our
relationship only fell apart due to the
long-distance aspect of it. He seems to have also
gone through a lot regarding relationships in the
meantime. Right now he says he trusts me but I just
cannot come to trust him - though I do love him - I
am so confused about what to do. I still think that
he is cheating behind my back and I have just had
enough of players in my life.
Please Sarah I am so lost. Can you please give me
some
dating tips?
Love,
Jenny
My heart goes out to Jenny! I think we have ALL been
in that place in our life where we just feel that we
cannot trust another male , or get our hearts broken
one more time. Here is my reply to Jenny’s question
….
Thanks for writing in, Jenny, I would be happy to
talk to give you some dating advice on this.
I think the first and most important statement that
jumps out at me is that you think he is cheating on
you. What is leading you to think these things? Is
he doing something, or is it your own, self-limiting
belief that you cannot have what is good for you? Do
you think it is actually physical affairs, or are
you thinking this is emotional cheating or an
emotional affair?
So many women get caught up in a cycle of distrust,
partially from experiences where their trust HAS
been broken, but also partially from their own
beliefs that they do not deserve what it is they
want, or that great things (particularly
relationships) just do not happen to them. They are
both really one in the same if you break it down. If
you think you do not deserve something that you
have, you will unconsciously act in ways that will
CREATE the very situation that you fear – in this
case, losing the guy.
You see, fear and distrust can make you do some
pretty stupid things, things you would not normally
do. Maybe your fear makes you act needy or clingy,
or makes you act angry when you are trying to hide
the fact that you are hurting inside. All these
things can be interpreted by MEN in ways that make
them think that you are high maintenance, needy or
whiny, and that will drive a man away, or drive him
toward emotional infidelity or out of your life. If
he cannot get what he needs emotionally from you, he
will go looking somewhere else.
But here is what I want YOU to do. You need to
understand, for yourself, what it is that is holding
you back. You need to know what you are afraid of,
and what behaviors you are exhibiting that are
caused by this. You must remember, too, that all you
can fix is YOU – if he has issues, you cannot fix
that, you can only fix yourself and be the best
person you can be.
Ask yourself some tough questions, and be totally
honest with yourself about the answers.
What exactly is it that I am afraid of? (You may say
at first that he is cheating or just a generic
"being hurt" answer. Not good enough! What EXACTLY
is it? Pinpoint it. Face it. Figure it out.) You
have to know your fears in order to face them. Don’t
chicken out!
Then, go through the situation in your mind - your
WORST fear about dating this guy comes true. Ok - so
what happens? (Like if your worst fear is that you
will begin being intimate and he sees you have a
mole like Mr. Potato Head on your butt and he
laughs. Imagine what you would do. Imagine how you
would feel. Imagine what you would say. Work
yourself through and live through it in your mind.)
Next, realize that whatever that fear was - you just
lived through it. You just thought yourself through
it, and you lived. You CAN get through it. Whatever
it is!
So - figure it out, live it, get through it, and
then GET OVER it. Make yourself a stronger YOU by
knowing that you can GET THROUGH whatever it is you
fear, and begin to face your relationship with
fearlessness and courage, and therefore be able to
give yourself what it is you want the most.
Love,
Sarah
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