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Relationship Advice: How Do I Get Him Back?
Reader:
Dear Christian Carter,
I'm sorry but I need to ask you a question. I need
advice and help. Me and my ex have been together off
and on many times, recently we just broke up and now
he's dating someone else. (he doesn't know what he
wants) But I know he still has very big feelings for
me and I want advice and help on getting him back.
Even though he's dating someone right now, he still
has feelings for me, and I need help on getting him
back with me and not with her. Please help!
Christian Carter’s Answer:
Thanks for writing, your email has about 147 great
things here. Let's look at a few of them...The first
important issue is that you're ignoring all the
important signs your ex is giving you. Men send a
ton of silent “signals” that are out there waiting
for women to tune into and pick up on - And to learn
from. Some of these signals that men send are
indirect and unintentional - but others men know
they're sending out. Please don't be naive. Wake up!
Realize what's going on here. If he's dating someone
else, you've got to start moving on. That's a direct
and intentional signal. He doesn't share your
feelings of wanting to get back together in a
committed relationship with you. If you challenge
this idea, you need to recognize something
important… That he's not in the right place in his
life to share what you want with him.
What you really need for yourself is to find a
healthy way to take some of the focus off of him and
put it back on you and your life. This doesn't mean
you have to go out and date right now, but you need
to take your mind off him. I know it's hard to do
this when you still have intense feelings for him.
But the simple truth is that you're setting yourself
up for ALL KINDS of pain and disappointment... Yeah,
I've seen couples get back together like this - but
the odds are things don't look good for this old
relationship.
The more you can distance yourself from your ex who
is dating another woman, the happier you'll be.
Trust me. And I know doing this is tough
(relationship advice isn’t always pretty), but
you've got to do it if you're going to find your way
to a new and improved situation - with or without
him. Here's something else critical going on for
you...
You're making a lot of assumptions about HIS
feelings when you say “he has very strong feelings
for me.” Do the math. You know he's dating someone
else. By thinking about how you believe he FEELS
inside is only keeping you stuck on him and your
beliefs about the good person he can be and how
great things COULD be together. Let me put it
another way-
What are his actions and behaviors saying? If you
listen to the signals your ex is sending you, you'll
see that his “feelings” he shares are just his way
of holding onto you for his own comfort and benefit.
Why wouldn't he want to keep you around if he's
“unavailable” to really commit - because being with
the other woman and still being connected to you
keeps him from being fully involved in any real
situation with either of you.
He's already dating another woman. That should give
you a clear idea of where his mind is at (not
focused on getting back with you) and what his
“feelings” TRULY are. Here's what I want you to do
first and foremost...Think about making some
decisions for YOURSELF. Right now it sounds like
your waiting for him to make all the decisions.
Think about what YOU WANT to be happy, and remember
all the things your ex has done and said to let you
know he's not committed to sharing his love with
you. If you give him and yourself some space, a
funny thing might happen you won't expect...Your
ex-boyfriend won't have the comfort of two women who
both want his affection. He won't know that you're
still there waiting for him - and this will trigger
thoughts and actions in him that will ultimately
help resolve your situation.
Until then...For your own well-being, it's important
you let him know he can't keep sharing his intimate
feelings with you while he's dating another woman.
HERE'S A RULE YOU NEED TO REMEMBER: Never allow men
who have “someone else” in their life to keep
sharing and expressing their feelings for you.
It's wrong on several levels... for you most of all.
When a man can have the affection of two women, and
he's in a place where he's emotionally non-committed
to either, odds are he will try to keep this
situation going for as long as possible! Not all men
would do this, but men who are “unavailable”, as it
sounds your ex is, can continue multiple intimate
situations at once. You don't want to date a man
that's in this place in his life... and I know
because I've been this guy in my past! NO AMOUNT of
talking, experience or reasoning with him can get
him to feel the way you want him to feel.
You can't change a man's emotional depth and where
he's at in his life. “Getting him back” is a bad
idea. Rarely does this give you what you think you
want. It's a losing battle, and you're going to end
up being hurt or upset again as you undoubtedly keep
moving farther and farther away from what YOU
ideally want and closer and closer to whatever
strange and unhealthy situation he's creating. If
you feel like you HAVE to see this through, then be
careful. You're going against the odds.
Don't be “that girl”.
And I promise that you'll ruin your chances if you
think you can “convince” him to come back to you
through shows of affection, appeals to his desires
or other “gifts” to bribe him. I've watched this
EXACT thing unfold so many times. IT DOESN'T WORK!
Instead, you should think about the times you've
broken up and the times you've seen that he wasn't
personally ready for a relationship. Those things
are as real as the strong feelings and emotions you
feel that keeps you coming back. Use the issues and
challenges you had together as a guide or a reminder
of what's keeping you two apart now.
And once you start doing this, I think you're going
to be strangely surprised at what starts to happen
for you...Once your guy notices that he doesn't have
you waiting around for him like a puppy dog to
figure it out, while he's off doing god knows what
with other women, there's going to be a big change
in his attitude and behavior.
It doesn't make “sense”, but that's how it WORKS.
More relationship advice…..
****
THE CRITICAL
SKILLS OF UNDERSTANDING MEN'S SIGNALS AND
IDENTIFYING GOOD MEN FROM “UNAVAILABLE TOADS”...
****
You've got to learn to understand and identify
“EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE” men. If a man doesn't know
what he wants, he generally doesn't want what he's
got. This may sound harsh, but it's the truth of the
situation. And even when it isn't completely true,
it's a good rule to go by. A good man who is the
right person and wants to be with you will find his
own way to his “Emotional Truth”.
If his truth is that he wants to be with you, or not
be with you, you have to respect that. But I see
women do it all the time. The guy will be sending
all kinds of subtle (or even direct) signs that he's
not “available” or interested in something
“serious”, but the woman ignores them and just pays
attention to the fact that he likes being with her
when they're together. In other words, she
substitutes the physical connection, or even the
occasional emotional connection, for the real
relationship she wants to be in.
WRONG!
Men have a different “love equation” from women: A
strong connection does NOT necessarily equal any
interest in a relationship. That's why it's CRITICAL
that women learn to read the signals that a man
sends about where he's at. Because he's surely not
going to just lay it all out there for you. I
promise. If he does, write me an email, tell me all
about it, and give me his mailing address so I can
send him his prize.
When a guy isn't interested in a relationship, and
he's doing something like seeing other women, here's
what most women start doing that makes things go
from bad to worse...They start trying to “fix”
things, and “fix” the guy.
And then comes the “convincing” behavior, trying to
convince the man that they are the right one for
him, and that because they have such a great
connection, a loving “relationship” is the only
right way to go. I know, it sounds bizarre. Why
would a man have a great woman and a great
connection with her that felt amazing when they were
together, and not want a relationship?
I'll get to that later...
The thing I'm worried about here for you is that in
trying to get your guy back, you're making these
mistakes that are like “man-repellent”. So I'll say
it again. You can't convince a man to want to be
with you. I don't know the specifics surrounding
your off-and-on with the ex, but it speaks volumes.
Especially when it's combined with him not “knowing
what he wants”.
This is CLASSIC man-speak (MORE not so pretty
relationship advice!) for “I'm not emotionally
available and I'm not ready for a real
relationship”. When he can't get in touch with his
feelings and isn't open to exploring them, it's a
text-book case of unavailability. I don't mean that
he can't share feelings or some level of intimacy
with you...
In fact, I'm sure he still likes to connect with you
when things are easy-going and he's not feeling
“pressure” around you. But your ex sharing his
feelings with you can easily confuse you into
thinking that he is potentially the right guy and
ready for a long term relationship. I'm sure you've
seen this since you've been back and forth with him.
But when a guy is unavailable, he has a fear of
getting deeper into a relationship that he knows
he's not ready for.
In his own way he's tried to tell you this several
times. Here's what he's saying: Yes, I have
“feelings” for you. And no... that doesn't mean I
want to be in a relationship with you and be
faithful. Take some time to think about the past
with your ex, and then compare that to what will
honestly make YOU happy, and what kind of
relationship you want in your future.
If you're honest about it with yourself, I don't
think he'll fit well into that based on his actions
and behavior. Put more value on his actions, not his
words. Get back to the things that you enjoy, the
places you like to go and avoid places or things you
used to do or see with your ex. Spend some time with
your friends and give yourself the space you
deserve. The less you talk about your ex and this
situation for now, the better off you'll be. And I
think you'll be amazed at the results. First, I
think you'll just plain old feel better. But even
better than that, you'll be breaking the old
connection that you had with your “x”. And as
counterintuitive as it sounds, breaking out of your
old connection is actually the thing that's going to
change the situation for you the most and help get
you the results you want.
Right now, your convincing him and your wanting him
back, even when he's with another woman, is making
you come off in all kinds of ways that men just
don't respond well to. I know it seems like the best
idea to keep trying to stay in touch with him and
keep the connection alive. But the truth is that
you're just keeping this same old situation alive by
pumping your time and attention into it. If instead,
you step back and stop chasing him or trying to
convince him you're the right woman, you'll have an
opportunity to do something that can honestly be
ATTRACTIVE to him- You first leave a space that
he'll not recognize and not understand, which will
first get him thinking about you and then wondering
why you aren't acting the way you used to.
Men love “new” things and curiosities. Plus, you'll
also be able to give him the space he's tried asking
you for in his bass-akwards emotionally unavailable
“man-speak”. Something funny happens when a man gets
the space he asked for- If you do it in the right
way, he's forced to deal with himself and his own
feelings to figure out that all the things he is
worried about, afraid of, fearful of “committing
to”, etc.
And being by himself, he'll see that these things
are really just in his own mind - and not bad things
about YOU. In other words - he won't keep taking all
the old “stuff” from the past that wasn't working
and keep identifying it with YOU. But you've to go
know the way to “re-wire” the connection once you've
broken the old one. And if you can do this, I
guarantee he'll come calling wondering about you.
In my new program, “Inside
the Mind of a Man”, I spell out 7 specific ways
you can communicate your feelings that will bring
you closer together and create amazing intimacy…
because you don’t want to come off as “needy” or
“too emotional” to a man. There are several
psychological and behavioral “keys” that will help
to open a man up...and CHEAT PROOF your
relationship, as well.
I'm talking about the kind of attraction that gets a
guy feeling, at a deep level, that he wants to be
with you right now AND far into the future. This
goes for the “unavailable” guys too that seem to
keep withdrawing and don't communicate much about
their feelings or what they want. These guys are the
toughest ones.
Your Friend,
Christian Carter
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