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Relationship Advice: What to do
if Your Man is Distant or Withdrawn
Have you ever noticed that the more you try to
get close to a man and improve your relationship...
the more DISTANT and withdrawn he'll become? Well,
recently I received an email from a woman who shared
her story about this.
I think you'll feel for her and relate to the
struggle that she's facing. That's why I've devoted
today's newsletter to teaching people:
-why men can grow more distant as time passes in
your relationships
-the mistakes most women make when trying to bring
them closer
-what
REALLY works in creating a lasting and committed
relationship with a man, and what doesn't
-how a man becomes truly committed to a woman on a
physical AND emotional level
So here we go...
>>>Question From A
Catch Him and Keep Him Reader:
Hello Christian.
I just recently started reading your articles and
love them. But I have a situation of my own I feel
extremely confused about. My boyfriend and I started
to date around the end of March and things were
great, but we were just dating as I was scared to
take it to the next level because I didn't want to
become attached and get hurt.
He introduced me to his family and everything. Then
around the end of August we stopped seeing each
other because he felt we should go our separate
ways. After about a month and a half he called me
and said he wanted to be with me and start a
relationship, he was tired of being single. I was
wary on that but I went for it and became his
girlfriend. Things were great, he was calling me all
the time, wanting me around all the time, asked me
to move in (I didn't though), told me he loved me,
and that he wanted a family.
But in this last month he started pushing me away,
not calling me, one time I texted him a message on
the phone (trying to be cute) and asked how much do
you love me? He never answered, so I asked him what
was up and he said "what's with all the pressure?
Just know that I care about you." It was weird
because he used to say it. Anyways he just keeps
pushing me away and blowing me off. I've asked him
what's going on with this relationship, and whether
he wants to be with me or not, and he never gives me
an answer. He just says I'll call you tomorrow. I
want to be with him I just don't know what's
happening. It really hurts. I don't know what I did.
Can you try to give me some answers?
>>>Christian Carter's Comments:
Ouch. I know your situation is endlessly frustrating
and seems impossible to understand... as I've seen
TONS of women go through or tell me about a very
similar experience with a man. Why is it that men
will act distant with you to the point where a break
up happens... only to come back and act amazing for
a little while, and THEN go back to being the same
old distant and uncertain man?
After he pursues you and you start getting
comfortable and open up your feelings and emotions
again, he starts pulling away. And he tells you
things like, "you are putting too much pressure on
me".
"I need more space."
"Things are moving too fast."
Or he doesn't say anything at all. The fun stops. He
calls less, or stops calling all together.
Or he acts busy. When he is with you, you don't feel
like he is really "with" you.
And when you try to talk about all of this and get
back to a better place where you're both close and
having some EMOTIONAL CONNECTION, he reacts like
you're laying some guilt trip or some heavy burden
on him... and he backs off even further. What's
happening here?
Why is this common with men? And why can trying to
get a man to open up and communicate actually drive
him away? To explain why this is with men, let me
ask you a question...When you are feeling upset
about something, do you call up close girlfriends to
talk it over and work out the best thing to do? Like
most women, you often do this. Now ask yourself...
How many MEN do you know call up their close guy
friends to share their feelings and get advice for
what's going on in their life and relationships? Not
many. It's just not part of the way they deal with
emotions and relationships in their lives. Most men
spend less time "analyzing" all the specifics in
their relationships... and they generally have a
more personal and internal way of dealing with or
"processing" their feelings. (Yes, men do have
feelings after all.) But soul-mate and life-partner
are not generally words that come up in a man’s
conversation.
But in case you haven't noticed, men don't find the
same clarity and comfort in analyzing and sharing
their feelings in the way most women do. In fact,
often times, doing so can actually make a man feel
"drained" instead. I think deep down somewhere you
recognize this. Part of you knows men are different
in this way. But another part of you fears or
resents this because it can make a man seem
"unengaged" or shut off from his feelings.
And that can spell BAD NEWS for women in
relationships where they feel UNCERTAIN.
Here's my point...
Considering all this about how men and women can be
different, how do you think a man is going to react
when a woman calls him and she's upset and deep into
her own "analysis?" of their relationship and wants
to talk? Sure, it would be great if a man was
completely open and receptive to all the feelings
you were having, but that's not how most men will
respond in this situation.
Instead, a man will either respond negatively to
your emotions, or he won't respond much at all and
seem even more distant. Arggggh! Frustrating, right?
Let me quickly cut to the chase about what's going
on here...What makes a woman feel closer and more
connected to a man often has the OPPOSITE affect for
a man.
It seems unfair, doesn't it? But as much as it might
be, that's how things work. It's the REALITY. Now,
there are about 50 things I could tell you about how
men are at fault and create these problems for
themselves and for you in your relationship. But the
reality is that you've already spent hours thinking
about this before and have a lot of your own ideas
about this.
That's why I'm NOT going to talk about what's going
on with men here and what to do about helping them
"get with the program". Right now we're going to
talk about YOU.
Why?
Because thinking about YOURSELF is the first step
towards real GROWTH and AWARENESS in EVERY LOVING
RELATIONSHIP you have in your life. You could spend
days, weeks, months or years worrying about a man,
what he thinks, and why he does the things he does.
But if you want to be smart...
And you want relationships to start "working" for
you, instead of seeming like a never-ending source
of frustration and disappointment trying to get a
man to make the relationship work...Then you'll make
sure you have things handled for yourself first. And
that way you'll have the CERTAINTY that only comes
from understanding what's happening in the
relationship around you... and what YOU need to do
in each situation that comes up with a man,
especially in a case like this where you are dealing
with an "Emotionally Unavailable" man...
The "Emotionally Unavailable" man is a man who has
one foot in the door. One moment he may be ready to
step into the boat with you... he wants to be with
you... he wants to spend all his time with you...
and it seems as though he is ready to step into the
boat and start on a beautiful journey with both of
you together.
Then he stops dead in his tracks and starts thinking
about that boat on the pier. That's solid land. Land
he knows how to navigate.
Maybe he's never been on the boat before or maybe he
doesn't think he has a "map" in order to truly
understand where the boat is going. What if their
boat hits a rock? What if they get lost on their
journey? Maybe stepping back on solid ground that he
is familiar with is the only option he sees.
One of the most common, frustrating and destructive
things these men do with women in relationships is
pull away or completely withdraw emotionally. If
you've ever had this happen and it dragged on, even
just for a few hours or days, then you know it can
feel like a slow "emotional death." Your creativity,
energy, and passion all start to wither away and you
get drawn into some weird "funk."
Give me a silent nod if you know what I'm talking
about and you've experienced the negative effects of
"emotional withdrawal" with a man before. Well,
there's something that lots of women don't recognize
that I want to share with you...It's strange, kind
of bizarre, and hard for lots of women to
believe...but it's something I've observed again and
again about men.
It's that when it comes to emotional withdrawal and
distance in a relationship, most men DON'T EVEN
UNDERSTAND what it is... and why it would be such a
problem for their relationship. Ok, let me repeat
that. Some men just plain DON'T GET IT. And more to
the point don't want to. Got it? Now, why am I
telling you this?
Because lots of women get upset when a man withdraws
and pays more attention to his favorite sports team,
work, or whatever, and they take it personally...as
though the man is consciously doing something to
ruin the relationship or to REJECT them.
Wrong.
The truth is that lots of men don't appreciate how
important sharing feelings, emotions, and
experiences are to a relationship, and to a woman.
(Duh!) Men honor and appreciate other things in
relationships. (I'll get to these later) So when a
great woman comes along that he could have an
amazing time with and get close to...
And she starts noticing that he isn't as "involved"
emotionally...Instead of identifying these for what
they are (part of his natural "masculine" tendency
to pull away and focus in a less emotionally
involved way) she feels rejected, unappreciated or
deadened by it.
As I said before, how many men that you know get
together with their friends to talk about their
feelings and discuss the details and meaning of the
relationships in their lives?
Exactly.
That's why it's FASCINATING to recognize that lots
of men actually value NOT SHARING so much.
They think of themselves as "easygoing" and "laid
back".
Not "detached" or "emotionally unavailable".
Men who are this way often say or think things like:
"It's better if we don't talk about it." Or..."Why
do you nag me about this stuff?" Or... "Don't worry
about it so much!" Sound familiar?
So what's a woman to do with a man who thinks or
talks this way?
Accept that he'll never open up and share with her?
Resign herself to a life and a relationship without
real love and connection? Dump him and move on?
Well, what I can tell you is that as much as men are
different, a man MUST BE willing to be part of the
learning process that IS a relationship for love to
grow and last. Translation - if he's open to
learning and growth in some way, then he's not a
lost cause.
Click
HERE for more….
I'll talk to you again soon, and best of luck in
Life and Love.
Your Friend,
Christian Carter
©Copyright 2006, Catch Him Inc. All
Rights Reserved. Copyright materials used by
permission. “Catch Him And Keep Him” and “Christian
Carter” are trademarks of Catch Him Inc. |
