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Relationship Advice: What to do if Your Man is Distant or Withdrawn

Have you ever noticed that the more you try to get close to a man and improve your relationship... the more DISTANT and withdrawn he'll become? Well, recently I received an email from a woman who shared her story about this.

I think you'll feel for her and relate to the struggle that she's facing. That's why I've devoted today's newsletter to teaching people:

-why men can grow more distant as time passes in your relationships

-the mistakes most women make when trying to bring them closer

-what REALLY works in creating a lasting and committed relationship with a man, and what doesn't

-how a man becomes truly committed to a woman on a physical AND emotional level

So here we go...

>>>Question From A Catch Him and Keep Him Reader:

Hello Christian.

I just recently started reading your articles and love them. But I have a situation of my own I feel extremely confused about. My boyfriend and I started to date around the end of March and things were great, but we were just dating as I was scared to take it to the next level because I didn't want to become attached and get hurt.

He introduced me to his family and everything. Then around the end of August we stopped seeing each other because he felt we should go our separate ways. After about a month and a half he called me and said he wanted to be with me and start a relationship, he was tired of being single. I was wary on that but I went for it and became his girlfriend. Things were great, he was calling me all the time, wanting me around all the time, asked me to move in (I didn't though), told me he loved me, and that he wanted a family.

But in this last month he started pushing me away, not calling me, one time I texted him a message on the phone (trying to be cute) and asked how much do you love me? He never answered, so I asked him what was up and he said "what's with all the pressure? Just know that I care about you." It was weird because he used to say it. Anyways he just keeps pushing me away and blowing me off. I've asked him what's going on with this relationship, and whether he wants to be with me or not, and he never gives me an answer. He just says I'll call you tomorrow. I want to be with him I just don't know what's happening. It really hurts. I don't know what I did. Can you try to give me some answers?

>>>Christian Carter's Comments:

Ouch. I know your situation is endlessly frustrating and seems impossible to understand... as I've seen TONS of women go through or tell me about a very similar experience with a man. Why is it that men will act distant with you to the point where a break up happens... only to come back and act amazing for a little while, and THEN go back to being the same old distant and uncertain man?

After he pursues you and you start getting comfortable and open up your feelings and emotions again, he starts pulling away. And he tells you things like, "you are putting too much pressure on me".

"I need more space."

"Things are moving too fast."

Or he doesn't say anything at all. The fun stops. He calls less, or stops calling all together.

Or he acts busy. When he is with you, you don't feel like he is really "with" you.

And when you try to talk about all of this and get back to a better place where you're both close and having some EMOTIONAL CONNECTION, he reacts like you're laying some guilt trip or some heavy burden on him... and he backs off even further. What's happening here?

Why is this common with men? And why can trying to get a man to open up and communicate actually drive him away? To explain why this is with men, let me ask you a question...When you are feeling upset about something, do you call up close girlfriends to talk it over and work out the best thing to do? Like most women, you often do this. Now ask yourself...

How many MEN do you know call up their close guy friends to share their feelings and get advice for what's going on in their life and relationships? Not many. It's just not part of the way they deal with emotions and relationships in their lives. Most men spend less time "analyzing" all the specifics in their relationships... and they generally have a more personal and internal way of dealing with or "processing" their feelings. (Yes, men do have feelings after all.) But soul-mate and life-partner are not generally words that come up in a man’s conversation.

But in case you haven't noticed, men don't find the same clarity and comfort in analyzing and sharing their feelings in the way most women do. In fact, often times, doing so can actually make a man feel "drained" instead. I think deep down somewhere you recognize this. Part of you knows men are different in this way. But another part of you fears or resents this because it can make a man seem "unengaged" or shut off from his feelings.

And that can spell BAD NEWS for women in relationships where they feel UNCERTAIN.

Here's my point...

Considering all this about how men and women can be different, how do you think a man is going to react when a woman calls him and she's upset and deep into her own "analysis?" of their relationship and wants to talk? Sure, it would be great if a man was completely open and receptive to all the feelings you were having, but that's not how most men will respond in this situation.

Instead, a man will either respond negatively to your emotions, or he won't respond much at all and seem even more distant. Arggggh! Frustrating, right? Let me quickly cut to the chase about what's going on here...What makes a woman feel closer and more connected to a man often has the OPPOSITE affect for a man.

It seems unfair, doesn't it? But as much as it might be, that's how things work. It's the REALITY. Now, there are about 50 things I could tell you about how men are at fault and create these problems for themselves and for you in your relationship. But the reality is that you've already spent hours thinking about this before and have a lot of your own ideas about this.

That's why I'm NOT going to talk about what's going on with men here and what to do about helping them "get with the program". Right now we're going to talk about YOU.


Because thinking about YOURSELF is the first step towards real GROWTH and AWARENESS in EVERY LOVING RELATIONSHIP you have in your life. You could spend days, weeks, months or years worrying about a man, what he thinks, and why he does the things he does.

But if you want to be smart...

And you want relationships to start "working" for you, instead of seeming like a never-ending source of frustration and disappointment trying to get a man to make the relationship work...Then you'll make sure you have things handled for yourself first. And that way you'll have the CERTAINTY that only comes from understanding what's happening in the relationship around you... and what YOU need to do in each situation that comes up with a man, especially in a case like this where you are dealing with an "Emotionally Unavailable" man...

The "Emotionally Unavailable" man is a man who has one foot in the door. One moment he may be ready to step into the boat with you... he wants to be with you... he wants to spend all his time with you... and it seems as though he is ready to step into the boat and start on a beautiful journey with both of you together.

Then he stops dead in his tracks and starts thinking about that boat on the pier. That's solid land. Land he knows how to navigate.

Maybe he's never been on the boat before or maybe he doesn't think he has a "map" in order to truly understand where the boat is going. What if their boat hits a rock? What if they get lost on their journey? Maybe stepping back on solid ground that he is familiar with is the only option he sees.

One of the most common, frustrating and destructive things these men do with women in relationships is pull away or completely withdraw emotionally. If you've ever had this happen and it dragged on, even just for a few hours or days, then you know it can feel like a slow "emotional death." Your creativity, energy, and passion all start to wither away and you get drawn into some weird "funk."

Give me a silent nod if you know what I'm talking about and you've experienced the negative effects of "emotional withdrawal" with a man before. Well, there's something that lots of women don't recognize that I want to share with you...It's strange, kind of bizarre, and hard for lots of women to believe...but it's something I've observed again and again about men.

It's that when it comes to emotional withdrawal and distance in a relationship, most men DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND what it is... and why it would be such a problem for their relationship. Ok, let me repeat that. Some men just plain DON'T GET IT. And more to the point don't want to. Got it? Now, why am I telling you this?

Because lots of women get upset when a man withdraws and pays more attention to his favorite sports team, work, or whatever, and they take it though the man is consciously doing something to ruin the relationship or to REJECT them.


The truth is that lots of men don't appreciate how important sharing feelings, emotions, and experiences are to a relationship, and to a woman. (Duh!) Men honor and appreciate other things in relationships. (I'll get to these later) So when a great woman comes along that he could have an amazing time with and get close to...

And she starts noticing that he isn't as "involved" emotionally...Instead of identifying these for what they are (part of his natural "masculine" tendency to pull away and focus in a less emotionally involved way) she feels rejected, unappreciated or deadened by it.

As I said before, how many men that you know get together with their friends to talk about their feelings and discuss the details and meaning of the relationships in their lives?


That's why it's FASCINATING to recognize that lots of men actually value NOT SHARING so much.

They think of themselves as "easygoing" and "laid back".

Not "detached" or "emotionally unavailable".

Men who are this way often say or think things like:

"It's better if we don't talk about it." Or..."Why do you nag me about this stuff?" Or... "Don't worry about it so much!" Sound familiar?

So what's a woman to do with a man who thinks or talks this way?

Accept that he'll never open up and share with her? Resign herself to a life and a relationship without real love and connection? Dump him and move on?

Well, what I can tell you is that as much as men are different, a man MUST BE willing to be part of the learning process that IS a relationship for love to grow and last. Translation - if he's open to learning and growth in some way, then he's not a lost cause.

Click HERE for more….

I'll talk to you again soon, and best of luck in Life and Love.

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

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©Copyright 2006, Catch Him Inc. All Rights Reserved. Copyright materials used by permission.  “Catch Him And Keep Him” and “Christian Carter” are trademarks of Catch Him Inc.


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